Saturday, 25 October 2014

Why is everyone so jealous of Liverpool Football Club?

Give it here, you twat!

Dear Liverpool Echo

Re Liverpool 0 Real Madrid 3

Bad enough that someone nicked our trophy last season and gave it to City (see left) but now there's this stupid Real Madrid thing! I hope everyone has noted how jealous people are of Liverpool FC, most especially when it comes to our famous Anfield European nights.

The reason this has come to my attention is to do with the joyous reaction the rest of the green eyed world appears to have had to our glorious 0-3 defeat last Wednesday night against Real Madrid. The so called neutrals and their responses to this result is a particularly perplexing thing, given that the last 45 minutes of the game ended in a plucky and, lets face it, highly creditable draw. How many people would get a draw against the mighty Real Madrid? Not many! Maybe Bayern Munich. No bugger else, though.

People are gloating, of course, because none of them understand or appreciate football the way we Liverpool fans do. They resent that we are the only ones who are discerning enough to acknowledge and rejoice in the footballing qualities of the other team. In fact we sometimes  cheer our opponents to the rafters. For instance, we celebrated Cristiano Ronaldo's goal before applauding him off the park, even though he is a stupid United lover.  The people who subsequently suggested that we were actually booing him are lying. We were wooing him. "Wooooooooo", we were going. I know this because I was sat right there in the Kop going "Wooooooooo" to Cristiano with the best of them and everyone around me was doing the exact same thing. Also, we kept shouting "Loooooook", (with the "look" bit being pronounced like "shook", as opposed to "shuck"), and by this we meant, look at how good Real Madrid are and how shit we are and look at how we are admitting this!  Dig? That's how we roll at Anfield and also, that's how we sometimes pronounce things. So to reiterate and even repeat myself, it sounded like "Boooooooo", yet it wasn't. The sound was edited by evil, agenda-driven television people. No surprise there!!!!!!!!!

Also, the atmosphere at Anfield did not resemble that of the Reading Room at the British Library. Those implying this do not have the interests of our great club at heart. How could Anfield have been anything short of "a-buzzing and a-happening" all second half when we were drawing with the Champions of Europe?  It was a 0-0 result, ffs, as long as you don't count the first half (and I choose not to). Plus, you should have heard us cheering and singing all game long, The stadium was actually shaking all through the second half. At times we thought Merseyside was suffering an earthquake. The TV people, who hate us, deliberately edited the crowd noise down to nothing, thus giving the entirely erroneous and embittered impression that you could hear a pin drop. Gary Neville is such a liar for saying this. I bet he wasn't even there. I bet he was watching it at home and kept nipping out to the kitchen and the bathroom and missed all us fan jumping up and down and singing our new song ... which, incidentally, goes as follows:-

"Que se ra se ra
It's fucking 0-0, you tards!!!!
At least in the second half!!!!
Que se ra se ra"

So Gary Neville can get knotted and stick that in his pipe and smoke it. I am going to write a poem about that second half and will be sending it to him on Twitter. I will also be sending it to Radio 4, so they can read it out.

Incidentally, why did Sky TV only have Liverpool haters on the so called pundit panel? Souness, Redknapp and Carragher?!!!!!!!! I fucking ask you. Did everyone note their gloaty faces at half time? They got a shock, though, didn't they? Well in the end they did, especially when the final whistle went and it was 0-0 after the second 45 minutes. Everyone could tell how these so called neutral pundits were all miserable and hang dog in the post match discussion and clearly gutted because they hated to see us do so well. This was so obvious. Stupid fornicators. I am cancelling my Sky subscription now. Also, how come these pundits failed to mention that were it not for the fact that Mario (that bastard) Balotelli had swapped shirts at half-time, we would have won 4-3? Their collective failure to bring this up in post match analysis is just another dereliction of duty and it is happening week in, week out now. Never mind, though. The Red Men Torch and Pitchfork Brigade will see to them .... and to Balotelli as well, come to that. Bouncy castles and stripograms will be arriving at their respective home addresses for the next fortnight.

I demand to know where all these peddlers of ugly, unpalatable jealousies are coming from. I think the Liverpool Echo needs to throw this question out to it's readership and invite suggestions as to why everyone gloated like smug, demented malcontents after the game and for days thereafter and why they are so envious of the mighty ones of Merseyside.

My two suggestions are these:-

1 We wear red shirts and red shorts. Nobody else in the Premier League does so. They are all jealous of this.

2 We won the league in the early nineties and again in May 2014 (albeit, people are denying the latter because they are dickheads).

But we know we are ace and we rule. It is high time the Echo ran a story making this clear to the world.

Kind Regards

Angry Red Scouse Mrs I Liesalot

October 2014.