Tuesday, 11 November 2014

I am a three time record breaker!

What is the Guinness Book of Records Playing At?

Dear Guinness Book of Records People
I note from your latest edition of the Book of Records that you have once again omitted to mention the details of the latest three world records I have achieved, all three of which were accomplished over the course of the last six months (including one today).
The first record, as you know (because I already told you), concerns the number of times I have seen the movie 2001 A Space Odyssey. I have watched this movie three times per day for the last 32 years. This means I have seen it 11,680 times already and actually, it's probably more than that when you think about it because the film was made in 1968, and I was born in 1965. It is anyone's guess how many times I saw it between the ages of 3 and 7. It will have been a lot, but I wasn't totting it up back then. Also, I was 18 years of age before I ever had access to a home video recorder and so before that, I had to scour the television listings and could only watch the movie whenever one of the old broadcasting companies saw fit to schedule it, which was usually (but not always) at Christmas. This, of course, means that 11,680 is a somewhat conservative estimate. It was probably more like 11,714
I have a video of the movie now, of course, and a DVD of it; and a download of it on my IPad. This means I can watch it whilst driving to work and back, which I do. It is a long commute. Also, I sometimes take it out at night with me, even to the cinema. If the movie I am paying to see is not to my liking, I whip the Ipad out, stick the ear phones in and away I go. I am not even counting those occasions, by the way, because they are unscheduled viewings and depending on the circumstances, I couldn't always watch to the end.
It goes without saying, that in addition to having DVD's and downloads, I have sky plussed the movie and it is there in my planner whenever I want to watch it which, as we have already firmly established, is a lot. This is why I refuse to change the decoder, because it trashes the programmes stored in your planner and I couldn't bare to lose it since I don't know when Sky will be arsed to put it on again.
I don't know why you continue to ignore my wonderful binge watching achievements when it comes to this movie. I go to all the conventions and none of my fellow convention goers have watched it anywhere near that number of times, not even the Star Trekkies. Why this is not considered good enough in terms of proof, I don't know. I suppose you want me to chain myself to some railings somewhere with a video walkman and watch the damn thing in public nearly 12,000 times. Is this what it's gong to take? Or are you all just jealous bastards?
Still, I reiterate ... I am trying to be fair minded about this and so I am not even including the weekend occasions where I might actually watch Mr Kubrick's masterpiece four times in a day and not merely three. Nor am I counting bank holidays and annual leave, in spite of the fact that I take advantage of the extra viewing opportunities the additional spare time affords me on such occasions. Also, as I have told you so many times, I can recite the script backwards, especially the first seventeen minutes, when nobody says anything.
So I am making one last formal request for inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records for the person who has watched 2001 A Space Odyssey more than anyone ever and probably three times more than anyone else. Please include this in your next edition.
Mrs  I. Liesalot Has Watched 2001 A Space Odyssey More Than Anyone Else in the World. She is a Record Breaker.
Mrs I. Liesalot Has Watched 2001 A Space Odyssey More Than Anyone Else in the World. She is a Record Breaker.
My 2nd World Record
My second record, and I am particularly proud of this one, involves another watching brief, though of a very different nature. This one concerns the number of times I have reviewed Sergio Aguero's winning goal against the old enemy and billion quid misfits, Manchester United earlier today. He scored the winner at about 14.45 GMT this fine Sunday which, as I write this, was some 6 hours and 25 minutes ago . In fact, I am typing this letter with one hand at the moment and without looking at the computer. This is because my other hand is fully engaged with the Sky remote, as I have to keep pressing the rewind button every three seconds. I think I have now watched today's goal 4,320 times.
As a matter of fact, and this was just to get a jump on things, I started the process of watching this goal over and over and unrelentingly as soon as it went in and this was a good thirty minutes prior to the game ending. I have been starting the timeline  just as Clichy slides the ball in for Serge to smash it past the red bastards and I run it back just after the ball breaks the back of the net (almost) and all the has-been clowns start crying. I knew I wouldn't have to watch the rest of the match because United are rubbish dickheads and were never going to equalize if the game had gone on until 11 am tomorrow morning (which it would have done, if there was still such a thing as Fergie time .... but that's another subject).
Incidentally, I bet I have already watched this more times than the number of occasions the Fellaini monstrosity has stamped on, spat at and elbowed people without being sent off. That marathon sequence of unpunished assaults is also, come to think of it, another outrageous omission from your so called Book of Records but I expect you will get away with that one on a technicality. Come to it, you might want to consider putting their manager in your book for having the most stupid looking head in football.
Anyway, there you have it. This is my second record and I will be expecting it's inclusion in your 2015 edition. I suggest that you use the following template.
Sergio Aguero 1 Man United 0. Mrs I Liesalot Has Watched This 4,320 Times in Six Hours. She is a Record Breaker.
Sergio Aguero 1 Man United 0. Mrs I Liesalot Has Watched This 4,320 Times in Six Hours. She is a Record Breaker.
Last But Not Least.
My third and final record is perhaps the one I am the most proud of. I have already told you about it before but it seems you have thus far overlooked it. In fact, I can find no entry for it in any of your volumes ever, for anyone, and I have gone back years and years. It seems very strange.
I am talking, of course, about the size of my tin foil hat, which is by far the biggest in the world. I have included a photograph of it, just like I did last time I wrote to you. I appreciate that in your last response, you expressed your belief that both George Bush Jnr and Mel Gibson had tin foil hats larger than mine and the suspicion was that the same could probably be said for Tom Cruise and Nigel Farage. I beg to differ on all counts and I particularly urge you to compare the following two images and revise your stance.
My Record Breaking Tin Foil Hat
My Record Breaking Tin Foil Hat
As you can see from the above, my tin foil hat is quite tall and touches many stars. I have certainly never seen a larger one than this and I have trawled the internet for weeks on end just in case. If you insist, then I suppose I am prepared to adapt the hat and build on it, so that it reaches right out past Jupiter and Uranus. This would take time though, and would surely affect my other record breaking efforts, particularly if I am to achieve my twin goal of upping my daily viewings of 2001 A Space Odyssey from three to four whilst also maintaining my Sergio smashes the ball into the United net yet again marathon watch. I hope to hit at least the 13,000 mark before going to bed tonight.
There is one other thing I need to point out to you as well and it concerns your suggestion that George Bush Junior's tin foil hat is larger than mine. Well I can categorically scotch that theory for the patent nonsense it is. I suggest you take a good look at the following picture:
Neither George Bush Nor Even His Cat Have Tin Foil Hats As Large as Mine.
Neither George Bush Nor Even His Cat Have Tin Foil Hats As Large as Mine.
I think we can all see from this that there can be no doubt or argument about it. Not only does my tin foil hat top that of Mr George Bush the younger, it is also a much taller specimen than that which he made for his pet cat. Both the wearers of these hats may look pretty much stoned in this photograph and as mad as hatters, but they are in Epic-Fail Land when it comes to the hat department.
Please give me the credit I deserve in your next edition or I will litigate.
Kind Regards
Mrs I Liesalot
November 2014