Monday, 6 October 2014

Queen Blamed for Demise of Former Top Tourist Spot.

Fuck Morecambe

Queen Lizard II was at the centre of a media storm last night after it was revealed that she could not spell the name of the once popular Lancashire seaside town of Morecambe. Palace sources admitted the monarch's blunder, after it emerged that she had no idea there was a letter "B" in the once popular Lancashire getaway spot. A Palace spokesman had this to say;

"It's true that HRH has always spelt the name of the town phonetically. In other words, she failed to include the letter "B". She is a bit thick, that way and says she does not understand what the B is doing there. However, we do not believe the town has suffered any true detriment".

In spite of such denials, shocked local councillors have raced to condemn the royal error and the town's Mayor has claimed that Morecambe's ability to attract tourists has been permanently damaged. The town hall supremo issued the following statement:-

"We were always told that the town's tourist trade went to pot for being not very nice and because you can't even get a decent fish supper here. That plus it's always raining; there is no beach to speak of and the sea is so radioactive, it has extinguished all marine life and snuffed out the existences of most small animals. But not a bit of it, for now we discover the true reason for the town's decline is attributable to the fact that people can no longer locate the place and have, in fact, forgotten there ever was a town called Morecambe.  None of the Sat-Nav's work because people have taken their lead from the monarch. In other words, they have been leaving the letter "B" out of their address searches. It's the same when they use multi-map or any of the other online route planners. The Queen's inexcusable illiteracy has trashed the hell out of this once great town".

Another local politician went much further, suggesting that the Queen might as well have told people that if they ever set foot in Morecambe, they would be likely to contract syphilis and other sexually transmitted conditions; as well as Bubonic Plague and Foot and Mouth Disease.
"The effect all this has had on tourism has proved to be every bit as devastating as it would have been if the dreadful old bat had driven up here personally for the purposes of picketing the border with Lancaster. In fact, she might just as well have erected a sign with a big black skull and bones motif on it, and a message reading MORECAME (sic)  IS RADIOACTIVE!!!! ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. I don't care if I am locked in the tower and hanged by the neck until dead for saying this.  Because it's the truth".

This fresh controversy reawakened decades old rumours that Britain's Lizard Queen was responsible for the loss of Morecambe pier to a raging inferno that destroyed the structure during the controversial pyromaniac phase of her reign. It is known that in her younger days, the royal wild-child  was treated privately for a pathological arson compulsion which, much like haemophilia, runs in the blood-lines of all major European dynasties, as a result of centuries of perpetual chronic incest.

It is widely acknowledged that the original pavilion of the famous old structure was destroyed by fire on July 31st 1933 when the current queen's granddad George V threw an unextinguished cigarette into a waste bin full of very dry paper and then stood at a safe distance and watched as that part of the structure burnt to the ground. Queen Lizard, inspired by the fire-bug antics of her relatives and predecessors, is said to have decided she would finish the job one Easter Sunday night in 1991. She was later seen out in public in a T-Shirt bearing the slogan "FUCK MORECAME (sic) ONE HAS BURNT IT'S PIER DOWN!". When asked about this incident at the time, the defiant monarch famously shocked witnesses when she responded to their enquiries about the event by exclaiming that

"Fires are pretty. Morecambe Pier was not. In fact it was a monstrous carbuncle and total shite. Morecame indeed! Fucking Lesscame is more like it.".

Her Majesty was later heard to tell friends;

"Burning that bastard to the ground was a no-brainer. One suggests our allegedly loyal subjects eat shit and die instead of moaning about this. Being Queen means doing whatever the fuck one wants, except when it comes to voting. The nation should be grateful one didn't torch the Eiffel Tower on a particularly high foot traffic day. It is important to understand that one thought long and hard about doing just that. Then there would have been a war with France, which would have given all those stupid, whining losers something real to worry about.

In terms of the actual wording emblazoned on the tear-away monarch's 1990's T-shirt, an unnamed local historian has recently pointed to the garment in question as an early clue that Queen Lizard was unaware of the silent “B” lurking inexplicably in the name of the town and has expressed outrage that nothing was done about this at the time. Another aficionado on all things Morecambe asked the following question:-

Why was the spelling mistake on her T-shirt not pointed out to the Queen in 1991? It's one thing to lose a pier but the long-term carnage caused to the local economy by the missing letter “B” is a far more serious matter. It is little wonder that the town is so difficult to locate and no bugger has even heard of it .... and now it turns out that this was all so avoidable”.

MP's are set to debate the misspelling scandal in an emergency session scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

By Mrs I. Liesalot

October 2014.