Tuesday, 7 October 2014


The world wide internet phenomena dubbed "The Ice Bucket Challenge" seems set to be replaced by a new approach to the world of strange and self-defeating collective dares, this time involving intentionally unsuccessful suicide attempts. Celebrities have led the way in the freshly conceived exercise, using a variety of methods and means ranging from simple barbiturate overdoses to deliberately self inflicted near death experiences involving the controversial practice of auto erotic asphyxiation. 


As the novelty of the world's ice bucket antics began to wear thin, well known celebs on both sides of the Atlantic rushed to encourage a new wave of dare devilry. Some ideas involved the deliberate consumption of unfeasibly large quantities of toxic substances, such as alcohol. Top Hollywood acolyte Tom Cruiser was an early pioneer of the  movement, and recently appeared on breakfast television downing a quart and a half of whiskey inside seven and a half demented  minutes. The star of such blockbusters as Cocktail and Top Gun II publicly guzzled the high octane beverage after admitting that he knew the prank would be likely to land him in intensive care with a dose of acute alcohol poisoning. The long time box office sensation was seen to slither to the floor at the conclusion of his charity raising efforts, before succombing to a series of frightening convulsions played out in front of a live audience of millions. His media representatives later released a statement on the stricken star's progress.

It was a very courageous act on Tom's part. It was touch and go at times but they eventually managed to get his heart going again and we reached the hospital in time. His stomach was successfully pumped and he is now sitting up in bed, showing no ill effects and talking about the pride he feels in having raised millions of dollars for the US based charity Royal Society for the Elimination of Mad Christian Scientists Syndrome”.


Not to be outdone, the Cruister's Hollywood namesake Tom Pranks filmed himself injecting a lethal cocktail of amphetamines and heroin into his vein. The potentially life ending mix, popularly known by the street name of speedball, has previously proved to be a deadly combination and is said to have been the cause of fatalities amongst even the most hardened of addicts. Mr Pranks, who is believed to follow an otherwise healthy lifestyle, arranged to have a video of himself posted on Twatter and other social networking websites preparing and then shooting up the deadly narcotics cocktail and then projectile vomiting his recently consumed lunch before losing consciousness. His agent later told a horrified world that the much loved megastar had yet to think of the best way to monetise the incident but once he has done so, will go on to decide which charities should benefit. He is scheduled to be released from hospital  shortly and has told friends he feels on top of the world.


Meanwhile, the latest masochistic charity drive was taken up on this side of the Atlantic by Prince Philip, Duke of Dickwadshire. Having watched American stars of stage and screen cheat death by their own hand, the right royal octogenarian  set himself on fire yesterday before attaching his own head to a large oak door with a giant staple. He was later rescued by heroic members of the fire service and after consulting with wife, Queen Lizard II, has decided to donate the money raised from the enterprise to a charity for the preservation of gormless, pointless corgi's.

Her Horsiness of Windsor
Princess Hybrid of Horsesville pictured here with last night;s dinner, quickly became the next high profile “victim” to get involved after she took a giant dagger to her own throat and repeatedly slashed herself, eventually draining her entire body of seven of the eight pints of blood necessary to sustain life. The palace has dubbed the stunt the most popular and madcap royal event since Princess Hybrid and several of her siblings appeared in the paedophile presented (and long since defunct) television series, Its a Knockout”. The Princess was later praised by her own private secretary, who witnessed the event and said the much loved, workaholic royal barely flinched  throughout the entire duration of the self-inflicted ordeal. According to other Palace sources, the only give-away to the fact that the brave royal had deliberately emptied herself of 7/8 of her body's blood supply was the fact that she eventually lost her usual colour and began to turn as blue as the urine once drawn from her ancestor, George III, The Porphyria-Arsed.  It is thought that the money raised from this latest jolly jape will be donated to a charity for retired race horse thoroughbreds.


Now that the Princess Royal Arse-Pain is fully recovered, the equestrian fetishist has hit back at those criticising the worthiness of her charitable preferences. At a recent press conference held to highlight her blood draining stunt, Queen Lizard's only daughter laughed off awkward questions from journalists by making obscene finger gestures before repeatedly stopping to “moon” representatives of the Third Estate as she made her way out of the Palace press room.


It is currently unclear whether such prankster suicide attempts will eventually replace the seemingly ubiquitous and increasingly tiresome instances of ice bucket challenges currently junking up the world wide web. How successful the new ideas will be in the long term remains to be seen but the world's favourite celebrities are hoping to inspire similar acts of selflessness amongst large swathes of the general population in the days and weeks to come.

By Mrs I Liesalot

October 2014