The
world wide internet phenomena dubbed "The Ice Bucket Challenge" seems set to be
replaced by a new approach to the world of strange and self-defeating collective dares, this time involving intentionally unsuccessful suicide attempts. Celebrities have led the way in the freshly conceived exercise, using a variety of methods and means ranging from
simple barbiturate overdoses to deliberately self inflicted near death
experiences involving the controversial practice of auto erotic asphyxiation.
HOLLYWOOD
STAR IN SELF-INFLICTED ALCOHOL POISONING INCIDENT
As the
novelty of the world's ice bucket antics began to wear thin, well
known celebs on both sides of the Atlantic rushed to encourage a new
wave of dare devilry. Some ideas involved the deliberate consumption
of unfeasibly large quantities of toxic substances, such
as alcohol. Top Hollywood acolyte Tom Cruiser was an early pioneer of the movement, and recently appeared on breakfast television downing a quart and a half of
whiskey inside seven and a half demented minutes. The star of such
blockbusters as Cocktail and Top Gun II publicly guzzled the high octane beverage
after admitting that he knew the prank would be likely to land him in
intensive care with a dose of acute alcohol poisoning. The long time box office sensation was seen to slither to the floor at the conclusion
of his charity raising efforts, before succombing to a
series of frightening convulsions played out in front of a live audience of
millions. His media representatives later released a statement on the stricken star's progress.
“It
was a very courageous act on Tom's part. It was touch and go at times but they eventually managed to get his
heart going again and we reached the hospital in time.
His stomach was successfully pumped and he is now sitting up in bed,
showing no ill effects and talking about the pride he feels in having
raised millions of dollars for the US based charity “Royal
Society for the Elimination of Mad Christian Scientists Syndrome”.
OTHER STARS JOIN THE FRAY
Not to
be outdone, the Cruister's Hollywood namesake Tom Pranks filmed
himself injecting a lethal cocktail of amphetamines and heroin into his vein. The
potentially life ending mix, popularly known by the street name of speedball, has previously proved to be a deadly combination and is said to have been the cause of fatalities
amongst even the most hardened of addicts. Mr Pranks, who is believed
to follow an otherwise healthy lifestyle, arranged to have a video of himself posted on Twatter and other social networking websites preparing and then
shooting up the deadly narcotics cocktail and then projectile vomiting his recently consumed lunch
before losing consciousness. His agent later told a horrified world
that the much loved megastar had yet to think of the best way to
monetise the incident but once he has done so, will go on to decide which charities should benefit. He is scheduled to be released from hospital shortly and has told friends he feels on top of the world.
BRITISH
ROYALS TAKE TO THE FUN NEW FAD
Meanwhile, the latest masochistic charity drive was taken up on this side of the Atlantic by Prince Philip, Duke of Dickwadshire. Having watched American stars of stage and screen cheat death by their own hand, the right royal octogenarian set himself on fire yesterday before attaching his own head to a large oak door with a giant staple. He was later rescued by heroic members of the fire service and after consulting with wife, Queen Lizard II, has decided to donate the money raised from the enterprise to a charity for the preservation of gormless, pointless corgi's.
 |
| Her Horsiness of Windsor |
Princess
Hybrid of Horsesville pictured here with last night;s dinner, quickly became the next high profile “victim” to get
involved after she took a giant dagger to her own throat and repeatedly slashed herself, eventually draining her entire body of seven of the eight pints of blood
necessary to sustain life. The palace has dubbed the stunt the most
popular and madcap royal event since Princess Hybrid and several of her siblings appeared in the paedophile presented (and long since
defunct) television series, “Its
a Knockout”.
The Princess was later praised by her own private secretary, who
witnessed the event and said the much loved, workaholic royal barely
flinched throughout the entire duration of the self-inflicted ordeal. According to other
Palace sources, the only give-away to the fact that the brave royal had
deliberately emptied herself of 7/8 of her body's blood supply was
the fact that she eventually lost her usual colour and began to turn
as blue as the urine once drawn from her ancestor, George
III, The Porphyria-Arsed. It is thought that the money raised from this latest jolly jape will
be donated to a charity for retired race horse thoroughbreds.
LIZARD'S DAUGHTER LAUGHS OFF INAPPROPRIATE CHARITY JIBES
Now that the Princess Royal Arse-Pain is fully recovered, the equestrian fetishist has hit
back at those criticising the worthiness of her charitable
preferences. At a recent press conference held to highlight her
blood draining stunt, Queen Lizard's only daughter laughed off awkward
questions from journalists by making obscene finger gestures before repeatedly stopping to “moon”
representatives of the Third Estate as she made her way out of the Palace press room.
STARS HOPE TO INSPIRE OTHERS.
It
is currently unclear whether such prankster suicide attempts will eventually
replace the seemingly ubiquitous and increasingly tiresome instances of ice bucket
challenges currently junking up the world wide web. How successful the new ideas will be in the long term remains to be seen but the world's favourite celebrities are hoping to inspire similar acts of selflessness amongst large swathes of the general population in the days and weeks to come.
By
Mrs I Liesalot
October 2014
