Tuesday, 7 October 2014

The Fan United Diaries


Here are my (mostly) contemporaneous diary notes of the season so far.

LA Galaxy 0 MUFC 7 (July 24th 2014 Friendly - USA)

I watched this game live on the internet. We beat LA Galaxy 7-0 (that's right mother fuckers, we are talking SEVEN). We are so fucking ace right now, it's scary. The Americans did really well in the World Cup and almost beat Belgium. This  means LA Galaxy are a force to be reckoned with and yet we beat them by SEVEN and I really must repeat myself on this. We scored SEVEN goals without reply and the Yanks didn't even get one. It was SEVENTH HEAVEN everywhere. This wonderful result has made up for all last season's catastrophes! Louis Van Whatshisface is a  tactical egg-head extraordinaire and will help us to carry all before us. Remember how he helped Holland to lift the World Cup with his penalty shootout antics. Now LVG belongs exclusively to our beloved United. Oh happy days!!!!

MUFC 3 Roma 2 (July 26th 2014 Friendly-USA)

United beat Roma by one clear goal. I am amending this diary entry a few weeks after the event to reflect the fact that it later panned out that Roma and City were drawn in the same Champions League group. City have subsequently slumped to a 1-1 draw with the Italian outfit, in spite of having home advantage and a one goal start. Since United can beat Roma and City can't, this means that United are better than City. This is going to be a joyous season.

Inter Milan 0 MUFC 0 (Friendly -30th July 2014:  USA)

A slightly disappointing draw, this one, but the only reason United failed to win was because the stupid bastards Inter Milan put their best team out and also, the twats would NOT stop CHEATING. I slept all through the second half of the game, though, and now I can't remember whether there was a penalty shootout or not. Bore draw either way I'm sorry to report. All Italy's fault as usual.

MUFC 3 Real  Madrid 1 (Friendly  2nd August 2014 USA)

Yoonited just thrashed European champions. I cannot seem to stop masturbating.

Liverpool 1 MUFC  3 (Friendly (my arse) 5th August 2014 - USA

We beat the scum!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet they are more distraught about this than we Yoonited fans were when Sergio Bastard Aguero scored that goal or when the evil blue twats put six past us at our place. The only reason the Red Scouse aren't killing themselves right now is because they know they are all going to hell when they die and then demons with pitchforks will trump in their faces for all eternity, all the while singing "So Now You're Gonna Believe Us, We're Gonna Win the League." They are stalling. and putting off that evil day when they die and descend to their hellish fate. 

I have now emailed the LFC website to ask them why Scousers are always running out of cash and eating boil in the bag recipes made out of pet rabbits, laced with cat excrement. I would be curious to know if this is some sort of daring Merseyside version of fusion cuisine.

I have just read the above paragraph back. My apologies, but all these Yoonited victories are making me feel like a giddy Scouse. I don't give a shit.

MUFC 2 Valencia 1 (Aug 12 2014 Old Trafford - Friendly)

Another win! We are not going to lose a match all season long. We are the new invincibles. 


MUFC 1 Swansea City 2 (Old Trafford - Premier League 16 Aug 2014)

What the actual fuck??!!! Why did we leave it until the first competitive match of the season to fucking lose at home to a team from a foreign country? Something's getting kicked in the face tonight. What the fuck am I going to say to people at work on Monday morning and more to the point, what are all the twats planning to say to me? I was giving it a bit large last Friday.

Sunderland 1 Man MUFC 1 (Stadium of Light - PL 24 Aug 2014)

And now we can't even beat all these Poznan-miming Mackem scum. Fuck off Niall Quinn, as well. Sunderland fans would not stop laughing at Yoonited when City scored the final two goals of the 2011/12 season. We all saw it on the TV Afterwards Fergiescum and Wooney vowed that from that day forward, they would make it their personal business to ensure that Yoonited register goals in double figures every time we play the north-eastern, monkey hanging, piss taking striped scum. So what has happened here, then? Are we to assume that a zero has been accidently left out of United's half of the result and it should actually read is Sunderland 1 Man United 10? I trust that this is the case. It's important that it is.

MK Dons 4 Man MUFC  0 -  (26th Aug 2014 Carling Cup)

OMFG and burn in hell, we have just been hammered by a Hertfordshire Sunday League team called the Dog & Duck. Well, we might as well have been. What about Bobby Charlton, you utter bastards? Everyone at work is taking the piss out of me. I have told the ones who know nothing about football that it was actually United's under 10's side that went up against the MK Dons last night. In fact, I said, the boys in red did well to lose 4-0 considering the average age of the team was 9 but even though I am not really lying or making excuses, I don't seem to be getting away with any of this. Some of the fuckers are claiming they had never heard of MK Dons until last night. The Berties are having a fucking field day. Bastards.

Burnley 0 MUFC 0 ( Aug 30th 2014 - Turf Moor - PL) 

Burnley's turn now to have a giggle at our expense. Who's fucking brilliant idea was it to fail to beat Burnley before an international break? Two entire weeks to reflect on the fact that we couldn't even score a goal against epic relegation fodder like that. IT WAS FUCKING BURNLEY! My fucking blood pressure. To make matters worse, I have the "Glory Glory Man United" ring tone on my mobile and I can't seem to get rid it. I can't take the phone with me anywhere in that condition and have to keep telling people I've misplaced it. I suppose I will have to buy a new one if this keeps up much longer. I am going to take an axe to the next living breathing thing that dares to make eye contact with me.

International Break (Aug 31st to Sep 13th 2014: - The lost fortnight

No Premier League for two weeks now. International break. I wish they would fuck off with this Engerland shite It is faeces of dead pony. The diabolical arch lesbian Woy Hodgson has much to answer for.

Man United 4 QPR 0 (14th Sep 2014 Old Trafford - PL)

They are all bricking it now. We are like a fucking juggernaut hurtling down the road and every fucking last Scouse and East Manc had better run, We told you 0-0-10 was an inspired idea of a formation by our Dutch genius. The tactics alone are jizz worthy. Have you see how many notes he takes in the dug out. It's all I can do to keep from touching myself. He is a revelation. He is God. I saw loads of City fans crying and holding each other in the street after I told them Mad United had beaten QPR 4-0. This is not a lie and you could see that the fact that everyone beats QPR 4-0 was of no solace to them.

Leicester City 5 MUFC 3 (21st Sep 2014 - King Power Stadium - PL)

We have spunked money on twats. That's all there is to it. I have trashed my Yoonited bedside table lamp to absolute smithereens. It was horrible anyway. I don't even like football and I never did. I have told them this at work. I got sent home sick yesterday morning and I haven't eaten in three days. I have taken some of the MUFC wallpaper off some of my bedroom walls but not all of them because I got bored, It's like a dogs dinner, now, thanks to that Dutch Master Class of Big Fact Nothings. I would smash my Yoonited mirror but that would bring bad luck, which is a laugh, all things considered.

MUFC 2 West Ham 1 (27th Sep, Old Trafford - PL)

So you wanted proof that Yoonited are better than the Red Scouse. Well here its is, suckers, because we have beaten West Ham and Dipperpool have lost to West Ham and all within the space of a glorious few days. I bet the twats of Merseyside have pooled all their candles and Raspberry Beads collections and are holding spontaneous flash vigils even as I type this sentence. And no, West Ham did not give a good account of themselves. It was a 2-1 massacre.

MUFC 2 Everton 1 (5th Oct 2014, Old Trafford - PL)

We have beaten the mightiest of the mighty, Everton and now we are fucking fourth in the table. Get in there. Bet City wished they were fourth. Lol. Also, there is nothing wrong with hanging on for dear life to a single goal lead in a home game with a team in the bottom three. It doesn't matter that Everton have just broken PL records for the highest proportion of goal concessions in the first five games of the campaign. (or whatever records people are going on about). Nor does it matter that our GK had to pull off wonder save after wonder save to stop us from surrendering the lead. A good goalie was always the master plan, anyway, because since we have no defenders, the GK has to do all the defending. He is on board with all of this and says it will be easy.

BTW, can everyone please stop referring to Manchester City as the Champions. How the fuck can this be true? In what universe, I mean? They are not the Champions. They are Walter Mitty types and are making the whole thing up. This is the second time they've done this in the space of three seasons. Why do loads of stupid bastards keep falling for it. This is becoming annoying to me. 

Mrs I Liesalot