It has just now come to my attention that Manchester City are lying about being the champions of England. I am so livid, I can hardly breathe. I have killed all the gold fish; the bunny is already rabbit soup and I am looking for the cat. I have emailed that dickhead Richard Scudamore at the Premier League to demand action. I have also been hurling globs and globs of mindless abuse via Twitter and I urge all true football fans to retweet the following message. Lets go fucking viral, people.
Dear Scudamore Bastard,
I am writing to tell you that Liverpool are the reigning champions of England and Manchester City are only pretending to be. Like you didn't already know, you cheating scum! I have been advised that the blue bastards broke into the Anfield trophy room one spring evening in May and nicked the trophy. They have also had it away on their thieving toes with the Carling Cup, ffs. And they call us the dippers. What the absolute ##!!!!!!!%%%%!!!g8***fd*uf!!???? MCFC have been lying about having a history for years now and no bastard ever takes them to task for it. No wonder the Rags feel so hard done by and are currently farting Galacticos. Christ, I am even beginning to prefer the swamp dwelling twats to that shower of bullshit artist, Blue Manc Muppets.
City are soooo not the champions. First of all, lets talk about the infamous Stevie Gerrard slip against Chelsea. For a kick off, Stevie didn't even slip on his arse no matter how many gormless bastards sing that accursed song (penned in the very the bowels of hell) saying that he did. Denber fucking Ba. Make them stop. Please go and watch the video back. I will provide a link if you want. If you could be bothered to even notice, you would see that Stevie slipped to his knees, not on his arse. In fact it wasn't even a slip. It happened because John Terry stretched out one of his womanising bastard telescopic legs and kicked our brave captain to the ground from the other side of the park. But the ref, being a blind, bent bastard, pretended not to notice. Everton bastards. City bastards. You are all dead folk. Why was there no enquiry and a retrospective ban for the twat, Terry? And speaking of the Everton abomination, how amazing it is that before last season, City hadn't won a game at Goodison Park since 1602, when William Shakespeare scored the only goal of the game to give the Blue Mancs a rare victory. What a coincidence that City's first win there in 412 years just so happens to have been the one they knew would be likely to deprive Liverpool of the title. Burn in hell.
How can people do this to our Stevie? Who could have failed to shed a triumphant, empathetic tear after we beat City's arses and the players indulged themselves in a quickie wank fest right in front of the cameras? You and your cronies must have hearts of stone not to have awarded the title to us there and then. Did you not hear the Captain's immortal words when he was urging the team on to its manifest PL winning destiny ? "We blow", he was heard to exclaim. "Next week, exactly the same at Delia's gaff . We go there Sunday and we blow again!!!! Lets be fucking having you". Then he wept with joy in front of the entire planet, you heartless Premier League knobheads. Are you all fucking deaf or something?!! People were writing poems!! Fuck off. Expletive, expletive and thrice expletive.
I wouldn't mind but we did indeed go to Delia's gaff and blow again, thereby leaving ourselves needing only three more victories to secure our first ever Premier League title. The Mancs (both blue and red) were jumping off bridges and setting fire to themselves in protest. They knew it was all over. You all did. Have you forgotten all this? Why are you so dismissive of the glory on the fields of Anfield Road? Has it slipped your tiny, evil smelling cow pat minds that we were poetry in motion last season and scored more than a hundred goals?!!! So what if City are saying they scored even more than that. They are lying about this like they are lying about everything. We fucking hate them. If you don't do something soon, we will be taking matters into our own hands.
What about Jose Mourinho? That fornicating Portuguese person bribed the ref to help them win 0-2 at ours. You could tell because whenever Chelsea forgot to bribe the officials or when it was thought there would be no need to do so, the bastards lost to the likes of Sunderland and drew with Norwich City at home (and their canary arses were relegated, ffs). Pathetic. And what about Crystal Palace? All their fucking goals were a mile offside and at least two of them were handball and should have been penalties for us. What were the South London twats thinking, anyway? Why didn't they let us win when they know full well that we have a divine right to be champions because we are so special and not like anybody else anywhere on the planet or in the universe. If we didn't have such a right, then why did we come back from a three goal deficit to win the Champions League in Istanbul that time? Why couldn't Palace just cooperate like Milan did? They should have shut up and given us a guard of honour. It was God's will, supposedly. I don't mind admitting that I threw a meat and potato pie at the stupid looking head of Tony Pulis when the Palace equaliser went in and I only missed by inches. It seems it was never going to be my day.
What about Suarez crying and then turning around a few weeks later and practically gnawing his own arm off just to get away from us?
What about Stevie G's own personal destiny? He is supposed to win the Premier League to go with all his other medals. We were lighting candle after candle, you stupid set of title stealing bastards and Christ knows how many Raspberry Bead Novenas were offered up during those last few games of the season and how many money spunking trips there were to Lourdes when it all started going pear. Well now it's all over, for sure. Stevie will never win it. He was playing with the aid of a zimmer frame last season as it was and he is now just a big fat liability. The only way of winning the title with him in the team would be if we shoplifted it. I wouldn't mind but the poor lads pooled their resources, rented a bus and had it parked up outside Liverpool Town Hall ready for the parade and everything!
Also, has it escaped your attention that when City played Villa in the penultimate game of the accursed season, it was still 0-0 after 45 minutes? So why was it, then, that the ref didn't blow for full time there and then, instead of being a bias twat and letting the teams take to the field and play out the entire second half? I am at a complete loss to understand this. He was clearly determined not to blow the whistle until City had safely taken a four goal lead, that cheating chipmunk faced arse-hat and his hell minions running the line. Talk about Fergie Time. Lying bastards.
What, you Scudamoric bastard, is being done about all this?!!! You are defying God and also half of bastard Merseyside.
Mrs Scouse Liesalot.