Friday, 10 October 2014


Aggressive little bastard to be slain?
A spokesman for the pro human pressure group "Kill All the Bastard  Hamsters Brigade" (KABHB)  has claimed that much like its brother rodent, the Chinese rat, the common hamster is responsible for the spread of a deadly epidemic that looks set to be the humanity extinction event so many evil mouse like creatures have been craving for and plotting  for so long. Said one unnamed hamster slapping source;

"We warned people about these bastard hamster sociopaths. How did we ever contrive to tolerate the continued existence of a bunch of idiots that run around on a fucking wheel all day and then kill and eat each other all night?  We have been saying all along that the stupid little fornicators are an abomination in the eyes of God. You only have to look at their proclivities for hoarding and their gormless fat cheeks. And they breed like bastard wildfire. Quite why these critters have been allowed to go about pretending to be vegetarians and giving everyone Ebola is beyond us. Now we're all going to die and it was so unnecessary. We have big brains and thumbs and they have neither, so how have things come to this? Mark our words, now that the cat is out of the bag, they will all hide from us, these hamsters. We'll never kill the twats off. We'll die out before we can find them all and then, when everyone is dead, they will feast on our defenceless corpses from thence to eternity. There will be nobody and nothing left to stop them. We only hope that the people who rested on their laurels about this are now satisfied. Have a very happy extinction event, everybody. You are a load of stupid fucking negligent bastards". 

In spite of the inconsistent nature of the physical evidence, it has been widely acknowledged that there is indeed something amiss with the world's hamster population. They are more ridiculous looking than hedgehogs and tortoises and it is a little known fact that they are more aggressive than geese and have been wantonly sinking their revolting little gnashers into people ever since they were first domesticated by a bunch of stupid bastards in the latter stages of the nineteenth century. However, in spite of this sinister side to their nature, the goofy faced mammals remain popular with parents needing a cheap alternative choice of family pet to the more traditional but higher maintenance likes of a dog or a cat.

The warnings of the KABHB have so far been dismissed by the medical community and experts have been quick to point out that the group are known to have been infiltrated by swathes of Tory loving, rodent bashing band wagon jumpers who are suspected of indulging in hamster hate for the sake of hamster hating. Their motivations in casting fresh new dispersions on members of the rodent community are being compared to previous claims made by the group that hamsters were responsible for the emergence of the Aids virus in the 1980's and are  known to be engaged in a decades old campaign to give every human being on the planet Rabies, Restless Limb Syndrome and Nits.

The sincerity of the hamster bashers has been further damaged by reminders of their past attempts to sully the good name and reputation of members of the rodent community, seemingly at random. Authorities pointed to a number of now wholly discredited attempts to implicate gangs of rodent thugs in the murder of toddler beauty queen, Jean Raspberry Beret and in the 1990's slaying of the wife of exotically named ex football pro, Orange Juice Simpleton.

In further developments, the powerful anti-hamster lobbyists are said to be considering a demand that 34 years after an Australian mother uttered the cry heard around the world that a dingo had taken and killed her baby, a new investigation be launched into the bizarre incident down under. The call came amid claims that new proof has been uncovered pointing to the possibility that the infant was in reality snatched and devoured by a gang of giant, man-eating hamsters.

In its own defence, the powerful lobby group hit back at its detractors and warned an anxious world that nobody believed them when they first alleged a link between hamsters and bird flu, nor when they revealed that Lord Lucan went missing because he was eaten by a group of the annoying wheel pounding furballs. Both theories were subsequently confirmed as being largely accurate and the group hopes to be vindicated a third time following this new batch of allegations. Whether or not they have a legitimate case on this occasion is unlikely to be truly known for some time to come.

By Mrs I Liesalot

October 2014