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We Don't Need No Sugar Daddies. We Are Wonga! |
This is an open letter to the Bent Ones of Uefa. First though, click on this link for a funny 5 second oldie but goldie Gif which has fuck all to do with the rest of this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6jvZ3aN_gQDear Uefa Elders.
I am a Manchester United fan and as such, I couldn't help but notice that you appear to have allowed Manchester City to bribe your double-crossing arses when they came mithering across the channel to Paris.. It seems to me that all of a sudden, certain people are now dodging about like punch drunk knobs on the whole Financial Flair Gay thing. Why else would you all start going on about football clubs and their debts and how brilliant sugar daddies are. This will allow City to sign Messi, Iniesta and Tranaldo. Also, Gareth Bale. It is all down to Twatini's cretinous ravings about how people like United keep lending money from Wonga and how this is somehow supposed to be a bad thing. You stupid bastards!!! Wonga are always giving money away for free and you would know this if you weren't all swanning about Europe using United's pre-paid debit card account to finance your multiple nail pedicures; perpetual coke snorting and out of control truffles and fondue consumption.
When is Twatini going to floss and clean his teeth? Surely he gets complementary teeth grooming products in all the 8 star hotels he stays in on United's hard borrowed cash. When is someone going to tell him that City should be playing Macclesfield in league games every season and routinely losing to them by two goal margins and this is the will of the Lord Our God and the natural order of things? This is in the bible, as you people know full well..
Why were no points deducted after the stupid, blue faced fornicators beat us 4-1 at the council house and 0-3 at the Swamp last season? Everyone knows that the reason this happened was only because Captain Bastard Face Kompany stole all the United team's kits on the evenings before these respective games and swapped them with City kits. Just because Scudamore and the United players failed to notice this doesn't mean we fans didn't spot it. We're the ones who are supposed to be able to do what we want, not them! It is a good job for stupid City that it was them or Liverpool for the title. We would have grassed to the Elders about Kompany's kit swapping shenanigans if it weren't for that.
I can't even believe this. I suggest you take your collective heads for a defecation fest before you start writing any new Financial Flair Gay Rules for next year. You all act like football administrators are beyond the reach of the Men and Women in Black but you are wrong. Have you forgotten how we all went round to Wooney's gaff a few years back and pulled his wig off for saying he wanted to play for City? Do you honestly believe something like that could never happen to any of you? You are meddling stains of bath spider semen. You are lucky no one has broken into your houses and jacked up the water filters on your tanks of exotic fish. Their fins will all off and they will have catastrophic cranial events and disintegrate. I know because I deliberately did this to mine when City accidently put six past us that time after they cheated along with their evil sidekick, Referee Twatenberg.
I will eat the heads of your cat's first born kittens if you come after United's Wonga money. Not that it even matters. There are at least 3 million accountants amongst our 27 billion global fan base. They are financially very creative and will tell us to start borrowing from the Cash Converters Pay Day loan Division instead. Yeah, you heard us, motherfuckers. And we will hock the silver polish to raise funds. We no longer have any need for the stuff, anyway, thanks to the recent unpleasantness concerning the monstrous blue moon that has risen in the East Manchester skies and keeps twating the living shit out of us.
Why are you meeting with City and PSG? You must think we came down in the last meteorite shower, you bed wedding freaks. You are spreading the Ebola Virus with your City loving follies. I will put all tar and feathers on the toilet seats of every posh hotel on the planet because I know that's where you people are living year in year out and all on United's dollar. If you don't let us win the Champions League this season, there will be big trouble. I don't care if we haven't actually qualified. You had better find a way. I suggest you kick City out of the competition so that we can take their place and also, you need to give us 10 free points in case there are issues with the Bayern Munich and Roma situations. Remember, we don't like defenders and couldn't be bothered signing any, so a ten point freebie is the minimum requirement, given that there's a strong chance that both these teams are better than us. No one will notice you doing this just as they didn't notice Kompany's derby kit swapping double.
You are drinking sweet, milky tea in the Last Straw greasy spoon caf with this shit. Believe it. I have made a Twatini voodoo doll and have stuck all pins in it. If you don't keep your thieving mitts off our Wonga Falcao dosh, I will pull its legs off. This is not a threat but a promise. I cannot stand the blue twats and will not wear it. I don't know why martial law has not been declared.
You have been warned.
Kind Regards
Mrs Rag I. Liesalot.
October 2014
