Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Nine Reasons Why I Know My Cat is a Manchester City Fan.

This idiot is wearing a fucking City shirt and singing Happy Days Are Here Again.

I am convinced that our cat, Ragrag (pictured above), is a Manchester City fan. My husband says I'm crackers and I have taken against the cat for some other reason, but he is in denial as to this. I wouldn't mind, but my hubby's the one who says he won't talk to City fans and has been refusing to have them in the house ever since they started winning things again. As a matter of fact, this was the reason he fell out with his entire family back in May 2012. The epic feuding that has ensued ever since the catastrophic Sergio moment has gotten ugly at times, culminating in an unfortunate fork stabbing event at a wedding. My husband's side of the family were like warring, inbred ferrets in an Asda bag that day. The bride and groom should never have held the reception at the Etihad. It was bound to kick off. But that's a whole other thing.

So anyway, it seems a bit strange that the deranged level of hostility my husband has demonstrated towards all things City does not extend to the family pets. The last time I brought this up with him, though, he made the claim that Ragrag doesn't even like football and suggested I see the doctor. I am not going to. The only medical person I intend to seek assistance from will be the vet after the cat meets with a freak accident.

It is truly sickening the way that rag feline twat sneaks about the place and lies constantly about it's football allegiances. It thinks it's clever, the stupid ginger arse-hat, and it believes it's covering it's tracks but it can fuck off. It is deluding itself with that shite. It's all an act and I am not fooled by this for even one minute.

I have just sent an email to my husband at work describing all the tell tale signs that the cat has jumped ship and now supports City. I have asked him to think seriously about all of this. Here is a copy and paste version of the self same email:-

Dear Husband

Re: The cat is a City fan. Here is the evidence:-

1 The cat keeps upchucking on my United scarf. If this is not deliberate, then why has it done it twice in the last month? And why is it only when United win that it does it? It tries to act as if it isn't cheesed off and grumpy on the rare occasions that the reds triumph but it's vomiting activities tell a different story and actions speak larger than words, as they say. It is a good job we kept losing last season or the scarf would have been a write-off by now. It even shat on your replica De Gea goalie jersey the other week and blamed it on the dog, if you remember. The timing of this was deeply suspicious, coming as it did just after we had squeaked past Everton thanks to the heroics of Spanish Dave the Keeper and his contribution to securing our third victory of the season.

2 I saw Ragrag battering the neighbour's red supporting moggy just the other day and it is constantly caterwauling and hissing at a second cat that lives in the neighbouring street. As a matter of fact, it cannot be a coincidence that all the cats Ragrag has fallen out with seem to come from good United-loving families. Nor is it above suspicion that the only feline it seems to get along with belongs to some City scum up the road. Indeed, it would appear that Ragrag and the Bertie cat (Bertie being a vague pejorative term we use when referring to the Manc blue idiots) are the best of friends and on hot days, they cuddle each other in the back garden. Note the contrast!

3 Cats are really shallow and ours is no exception. Like most felines, glory seeking is Ragrag's default position and the glory has gone from Old Trafford and appears to have set up camp under an East Manchester blue moon. Funny how it was a United fan when it was a kitten and we were winning everything. I seem to remember this being the very reason we took it in and named it Ragrag. And I do not doubt that it continued to be a red for the first few years of it's life and would not have been caught dead anywhere near City in its younger days. Now, though, the "Where were you when you were shit?" song just about sums up the arc of the cat's terrible, self-serving journey to the dark side. It showed no interest in anyone but United until the Sheikh came and they signed Robinho. There was  no puking on scarves and fighting with the rag cats of the neighbourhood until that happened! Only then things started to change pretty damn quickly.

4 One of my earliest inkling that the cat had gone rouge came after I noticed that it had started taking a sudden interest whenever City were on TV. Every time City lost, it acted like the result was not to its liking and this was most definitely a new development in terms of the wretched feline and it's inappropriate conduct. Seemingly out of a clear blue sky, it began to greet any City defeat by tantruming itself around the house making low howling noises and taking swipes at the dog,who (you will no doubt recall) even needed stitches after Wigan beat City to win the FA Cup final that time. This sort of a reaction is now the norm. You can tell how distraught the cat allows itself to get when things don't go City's way. It is usually ages before it manages to calm itself on the rare occasions that City lose and it has taken to hiding under the stairs all night and usually cannot be coaxed out until the following afternoon. It kicked the radiator the day Michael Owen got that late, late winner against the blue scum a few years ago (back when United used to win the occasional derby). You will no doubt recall how it launched itself at the television in a very snarly and aggressive fashion. You said at the time that this  was just feline exuberance and Ragrag was celebrating the glorious red victory but it sure didn't look that way to me. I saw it's face and it was livid. Later that day it started hissing something at me that sounded suspiciously like "Tick-Tock you raggy bitch".  And it sulked for a week.

5 One day I came home early from work and as I was coming up the drive, I could hear someone singing "City, City, best team land and world". That little shit, Ragrag must have been the one singing it because there was no one else in the house. You were out walking the dog so clearly the cat must have thought the coast was clear. It later denied singing anything of the sort, but it is lying.

6 One night I was settling down to watch one of my "Glory Glory Man United" DVD's. I like these trips down memory lane more and more now that the MUFC present has seemingly turned to the shape of pears. But when I went to slot the disc into the machine, out popped a City title winning season review DVD. This caused much consternation until you remembered that it was me that had purchased this disc by mistake because it had the word "Champions" on it and I naturally thought it was a United  DVD. Fuck that. It turns out that I didn't buy the wrong disc at all. The cat found the receipt and took it back to the shop and swapped it for the City DVD. Either that or it shoplifted the thing and threw the United one in the canal. It is usually more careful but it must have been interrupted at short notice whilst it was in the middle of watching the City DVD and gloating over it. It clearly wasn't expecting us. We disturbed it in the act and it didn't have time to eject the disc. It must have heard the key in the door and gone t running upstairs, where it pretended to be asleep.

"We Are the Champi.....oh shite"
7 If Ragrag isn't a Bertie, how is it's reaction to the aforementioned head trashing Agueroooooooooooo goal that won them the league to be explained? Why did it have it's face buried in it's paws for most of the second half of that game? How come it stormed out of the living room when QPR took the lead and could be heard making scary growling noises in the hall for 20 consecutive minutes? And why did it suddenly decide to come back in and resume watching the match when Dzeko got the equalizer?  Then, when the stupid Argentine one scored the winner, why did the cat go tearing around the house, swinging from the curtains and jumping so high it hit it's head on the ceiling? I swear there is a faint cat like impression in the plaster to this day, which just serves as a miserable reminder of the time City broke our red-loving hearts forever. Also, why did it leap on to the sofa and headbutt you at the final whistle, only to later claim that this was done out of affection?

And most damning of all, why was it's flea collar discovered in it's food bowl later that night? I'll tell you why. It was because the warped bastard went hurling itself round the kitchen swinging the collar above it's head in imitation of Aguero's shirt waving antics. Also, why was it seen high fiving the local Bertie cat in the street an hour after the game? You said it was a cat fight at the time but it wasn't. I saw it distinctly and it was a high five. The pair of them were acting like they had been binge-snorting top quality catnip and couldn't come down. As you will no doubt recall, my darling husband, Ragtag purred in its sleep so loud that night, it woke us up twice. We could hear it through the walls. Never mind us, it probably woke itself up a few times, it was making such a din. In the morning, I could swear it smirked and gave me the finger before demanding it's breakfast.

And speaking of cats making rude gestures, I went into the lounge earlier and the thug Bertie cat from over the road had been invited in again by Ragrag and was sitting on the window sill. When it saw me, it did this:-


8 I recently found an email in my Microsoft Outlook account from the Births, Deaths and Marriages people giving me details of the admin fees for changing your name by deed poll. I didn't ask for this information and it therefore seems pretty clear that the wretched cat no longer wants to be known as Ragrag and has been putting feelers out about changing its name to Bertie. It tried to cover this up by deleting the original message from the sent box without reckoning that I would later find it the Recycle bin. This is another thing it can fuck right off about.

9 I was cleaning out Ragrag's cat bed the other night and what should I find under the cushion but a current season ticket card for the Council House Stadium. I subsequently quizzed the little git about it but it claimed to have found the card in the street and kept it. It said this did not mean it had any intention of using it to go to any City games, except maybe at the derby next week.

What meteorite shower that so called cat thinks I came down from I do not know. It is all extremely disturbing and I don't know what to do. That little shit is going to laugh it's head off at us if we don't make the top four this season. I am dreading it. I am at my wits end. Promise me you will give these issues your consideration before matters grow any worse. I think a trip to the vets is long overdue.

Kind Regards and see you later.

Your Loving Wife, Mrs Raggy I Liesalot

October 2014