Monday, 20 October 2014

A Dialogue Between a Manchester City Fan and Manchester United Plastic

Taken from a series of text messages exchanges.

City Fan: Look what I have just found on that internet thingy. Please account for this in light of your recent transfer activities and the fact that you are threatening to lob and burn yet more money about the gaff, this time on Ryan The Penalty  Shawcross.

Red Plastic  Idiot Bertie twat. We are so for the love, not the money. We are totally, exclusively, and comprehensively about nothing but the love. None of our players get paid. They are all volunteers. Also, we were in a plane crash once. This entitles us. When was the last time you had a plane crash?

City Fan.   Tell us why you spunked £30 million on Juan Veron that time if you're all about the love? I have a list of such things. How much do you pay that overgrown Brussels toilet brush? Also, what about Wayne Rooney? Look at his hair transplant. This must have been very expensive. How could he afford it (see below) if you didn't pay him?

Celebrate my hair!

Red Plastic   That is a wig, you twunt. Below is a pic of the real Wayne Rooney. When are you going to grow a brain? Die.

Which twat stole my hair?

City Fan. Oh my God, you magic-head, the bald Wooney pic is photo-shopped! Either that or it is a picture of Uwe Rossler with a doctored tee-towel shirt.

Red Plastic  You paid loads of money for Sergio Aguero. He is gash compared to Phil Jones. Why do you sing that song as if it were you bitters that got the better of those two deals? Stupid bastards. Everyone laughs at you for this, even Liverpool fans.

City Fan. How much do you pay Wooney?

Red Plastic  Nothing. Last year, he paid us for the pride of pulling on the famous red tee-towel. He is unemployed and lives on benefits.

City Fan.City Fan.  What about Bebe? You paid trillions for him, even though you signed him from Hyde FC. I bet you paid him four million quid a day. You are not all about the love at all.

Red Plastic  You only have three fans. Every time I see you play on TV, there are 46,997 empty seats. It will be the same in Moscow tomorrow. Just you wait and see. I will post a photo of the empty stadium on Twitter and Facebook.  It will go viral and everyone will take the piss. No wonder you need an oil-rich sugar daddy.

City Fan. You hate football and think it's boring. Loads of you have been saying this repeatedly. This has been going on ever since the Moyes catastrophe. You keep changing the subject to tennis.You become aggressive and shouty when this does not work. You keep adding and then removing Glory Glory Man United  ringtones on your phones. You do this at least once a week. Why?

Red Plastic   You only scored seven goals against us last season. How shit must you be?

City Fan.    You don't get gates of 70,000 at all. 50,000 of them are mannequins and another 10,000 are in a mural the club has placed behind one of the goals at The Swamp. You can tell this because none of these so called spectators ever move, let alone sing. Furthermore, you have no season ticket waiting list and you never did.

United Fan Pictured in the Stretswamp End on Matchday

Red Plastic   You have stolen our banner. Where have you put it?  We miss it and want it back. You are lucky the police have not been notified. This is what it looked like.

We want our banner back!

City Fan. When you die and go to hell,  Beelzebub will make you watch the following Sergio moment for all eternity.

Red Plastic The event depicted in this little gif of yours never happened. You are making stuff up now. You people hallucinated the whole thing after the Men and Women in Black of Essex spiked your tea at the Emptyhad with all magic mushrooms. This was done the night before the game you are alluding to. Sergio drank it along with the rest of the team. You can tell this by the way he is waving his shirt over his head. It was no goal celebration. He was doing it because he was high on ecstasy and thought he was at a disco. Thousands of you invaded the pitch for nothing. Same thing last year. Stupid City goat-heads.

City Fan.  I thought you said we only have 3 fans. So how could there have been a series of pitch invasions involving thousands? Presumably, you have difficulties when it comes to counting things.

Red Plastic. You seem to be conveniently overlooking the fact that people who participated in the Council House pitch invasion of May 2014 got on the wrong tram and ended up at the Emptyhad. They were tricked into doing so by loads of trolling tram drivers.  So then all the passengers ran on the pitch in protest at being duped. They were all actually on their way to Bolton, or thought they were. There was no game at the Emptyhad that day and no second title win in three years. You only dreamt that this was the case. You are totally incapable of separating fact from fiction. This is because you are bitter. You are not even in the Premier League. You are in League Two and your next game is against Morecambe. Macclesfield are better than you. Six years ago, you lost  8-1 to Boro at The Riverside Little Swamp Stadium.

City Fan. Denis Law relegated your arses and then cried. That's how stupid you are. No one went to watch you after that. Hence the aforementioned strategic dummy placements and murals that can be found all around The Swamp.

Red Plastic. You don't even exist. There is no MCFC. They are a figment of your overactive thyroid gland. All the people in Manchester support us. So does every single last person on the planet, including the Queen. That's how come we can afford to pay one billion quid for a Mcdonalds addicted teenager from Southampton. We get all donations from the 9.89 trillion billion of our global fans on account of the club being all about the love and not the money. It is because of this that United haven't had to spend even a penny on transfers since 1969 even though it looks like we have spent billions more than any bugger.

City Fan   It occurs to me that you keep on signing fat people. Why is this?

Red Plastic:-  I refuse to dignify this conversation with any further answers. You are toilet and so is your so called team. Do one. Football is shit anyway and none of us are interested. I bet you look like Phil Collins  .............

October 2014