IS THE RAPTURE?
The rapture is an event that will take place sometime in the near future. Jesus will come in the air, catch up the Church from the earth, and then return to heaven with the Church. What if this is not you? It will not be, if you do not start to think about what to wear to the Rapture. The Apostle Paul gave a clear indication of this In his letters to the Thessalonians and Corinthians.
"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the cloud, but only if we are wearing the proper attire, that must be purchased at shops within the borders of Essex."
WHEN IS THE RAPTURE SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE?
There are problems and pitfalls here for the ignorant and unprepared and it will be easy to get caught short. When we search the Scriptures, particularly the passages describing the Lord Jesus' return, we find verses that tell us we won't know the day and hour of that event and Matthew 25:13 tells us that Jesus will return at an unknown time. However, in Luke 12:36, the Word states that when Christ returns to Earth, He will be coming back from a wedding supper and accompanied by an army "clothed in fine white linen ball frocks and three inch stilettos bought within the biblical parameters of Essex" This is a clear indication that we must be constantly on the look out for wedding parties, particularly where the groom is wearing a dress and three inch heels. Rev 19:14, explains how some will not be on the look out and will not be ready and Jesus clearly states that a group of people actually will miss out on the event, and will cry out to God to let them into the place where He resides, heaven. But there will be no second-guessing eternity. God's anger at the inappropriately attired will be poured out during the tribulations of mighty trumps and wraths and will be rained down on the casually and careless clad of the Earth for all eternity. You have been warned.
LEST YOU BE TRUMPED ON BY GOD!
It is important not to overlook this or fail the test of sartorial tribulations in any way. Brothers and sisters, if we are wearing jeans, tanktops and flip-flops we will not meet the Lord in the air, Failure will not merely see us left behind to have our heads pecked violently by giant hens; for it is clear from scripture that The Lord Our God means to trump on all who refuse to be properly attired and He demands party frocks for the living and the dead. Anyone dying before the Rapture who does not take the precaution of being buried in their party gowns and Essex originating white stilettos will be trumped on even when dead, for it is written in 1 Thess, 4:16-18).
"Behold, I shew (sic) you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump, the dead shall be raised in ball gowns and shall be changed, if they have remembered to change but will suffer the indignity of one last trump from God before being cast out into a burning wilderness and farted on by the minions of the Beast for all eternity, if they not be changed..."
THE CORRECT LENTGH OF YOUR BALL GOWN
The tribulation period is compared to the times of Noah and Lot by Jesus in Luke 17:28 and therein, the concepts of the proper way to be dressed is revisited. Most people argue over whether whether Jesus was talking about long frocks or shorter ones. This misses the point. It is clear from Revelations that the important thing is the colour. There is no recommendations as to the length of frock, only to its colour. Matthew 15:12 clearly states
"It is white or it is shite".
TIARAS A CLEAR REQUIREMENT
It seems to me that Tiaras are another clear requirement and we must all have this item to hand at all times, just in case, James 12 tells us
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the tiara of life, which God has promised to those who love him and wear frocks of unspecified length. The others will be cast out and trumped upon for all eternity.
THEY TAUGHT YOU NOTHING IN SCHOOL
During class, I must have slept through the part where the teacher talked about all this. Many more of you may find yourself in the same position of ignorance. This article is for you so that you might know to keep a tiara in the glove compartment, which you must religiously relocate from thence to your bedside lockers along with your raspberry beads every night of your lives. They will then be to hand should you hear the great trump in the night.
Wherever I look these days, there are groups that teach false doctrine and are insufficiently focused on what to wear when the Rapture comes. The list of "God does not give a shit what we are wearing to the Rapture" minded cult goes on and on. There are the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Mormons, the Worldwide Church of God and the Moonies, as well as leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh. Others deny that all gowns and shoes must come from Essex but Matthew 7:15 tells us “Beware of False Prophets. These are everywhere. Notice also that in (I John 4:1) Paul says frocks and stilettos won’t come with a name tag but must originate from that great county just the same.
“All Rapture attire must originally have been purchased in Essex. Counterfeits coming in disguise are not like the real frocks and shoes of of God. Their wearers talk, pray, sing, attend church, read the Bible, and even preach God’s word LIKE a true Christian in garments from the REAL Essex; but they are not real Christians (II Cor 11:13-14) and The Lord Jesus said that by their purchases of shops outside Essex, they shall be detected (Matt. 7:20).
THE HYPOCRISY OF FALSE FROCK WEARERS
Always look to Matt. 16:6, 12, which speaks of the false doctrine and hypocrisy of non frock wearers!! Therefore, careful NOT to hypocritically wear the right thing, at the wrong time for the WRONG reasons! (Mark 12:38-40) Examples are: serving and going to work in clothes to be worn at Rapture; fasting to appear spiritual or so you might fit into frocks several sizes too small for your true build; wearing flowery hats to impress others; buying more than one Rapture frock in order to boast of superior choice; helping the poor and needy by donating unused Rapture frocks to thrift stores only to buy them back later for less than you were paid for them when you flogged them in the first place. Good deeds done with wrong motives are Satan’s snares and traps that many have fallen into. Beware of eye-service or there will be fear and flatulence and you will reside in the crapper for all your days! (Eph. 6:6-7)
Print this off. Take it with you everywhere. Do not be damned to be trumped on for all eternity by the minions of the Beast. God will not be giving notice. You must be prepared at all times.
This is the Gospel According to God.