Sunday, 14 September 2014

The Recklessness of Pigeons


So I'm setting the scene here:-

My friend is a vegan. She makes regular donations to animal charities and she works part time in a cat sanctuary. She has an abhorrence of blood and the thought of any living creature suffering makes her literally nauseous. She is the type to swerve to avoid colliding with a hedgehog on a dual carriageway, even though they are creepy looking gits and have spikes. It's just how she is.

This is what happened to her the other day (and it is quite literally true).

My animal-loving friend was driving down the motorway at 70 mph when a pigeon stupidly and recklessly slammed into her windshield. If this weren't bad enough, this grey feathered clown managed at the same time to impale itself on one of the window wipers and it was pouring down with rain. My friend could neither stop nor turn off the wipers, visibility being what it was. She could not even make her way to the inside lane and thence to the hard shoulder because the usual assortment of driver with the brains of runny gerbil turds were undertaking her and it was rush hour. After a while there were blood and feathers everywhere and the bird took a couple of minutes to die and was clearly annoyed during the last two minutes of its life, even though it only had itself to thank for the predicament it found itself in. Even after death, there was another five minutes of the bird being smashed from one side of the windscreen with its insides coming out and it seemed to my friend like an eternity. No word of  a lie. She is unlikely to drive ever again. And all because pigeons can't be arsed to look where they're going. It is such bastardry. Plus they shit on my vehicle every time I drive out of the car wash. This is clearly deliberate. They can fuck off and die.

Now it's all very well to afford animals the benefit of the doubt in such matters, given the fact that most of them don't have the brains God game a toilet freshener, but this is no excuse for the breath-taking scale of brazen carelessness and kamikaze attitude on display here. And I have noticed that incidents relating to pigeons and their cretinous sloth are happening more and more these days. Pigeons will not get out of the way for any bugger and they are causing accidents. What is the matter with then, for crying out loud?!  It is iniquitous and I hate them. I aimed my car at one the other day and ran it over, even though it wasn't actually in my way. " Take that", I said, you stupid avian knob-head. A parking attendant told me I shouldn't have done it and he had a good mind to call the police, so I ran over him as well, which was for the best. I will take no more shite from pigeons, nor from any of their misguided human champions. Running over these two idiots is the most intelligent thing I've done all summer long. As for this latest incident (the one with my hippy friend), well it means war. I will now kill more pigeons and more of their human apologists. They will all rue the day. I will not rest until the feathered scum-bags are wiped from the face of the planet. Then, once the stupid looking fuckers are extinct,,  I will move to the coast and start on the seagulls.

Loads of stupid birds are circling the sky above as I write this, ready for they migration to somewhere else. Yeah you better run, you bastards.

I am also going to take out one or more of those moronic lamb and sheep things that all stand in the middle of the road and refuse to budge when  I'm trying to drive to Huddersfield, It must be obvious to them that they are blocking the road and making me late but they give not even one shite. "Fuck off", they say, and give me the finger. I have purchased a gun on the black market so as to be able to dispose of these farmyard idiots without damaging my car. Then I will stick the stupid woolly fornicators into the boot and drive them home, where I will cook them and have them for dinner. Someone always ends up eating the stupid fucking bastards, anyway, so where would the harm be? Also, I will knit something from their coats. And the beauty of all this, of course, is that it won't cost a penny to do it and a farmer will be out of pocket. Farmers are idiots and this makes it a double-whammy of positive proportions. I don't care if this is stealing.

Anyway, Just thought I'd post this to get it off my test until such time as the killing can start.

September 2014,