Thursday, 11 September 2014

Open Letters to Celebrities - Miley Cyrus

NB Someone has nicked my Tom Hanks post and I want it back as I fancy him. Now I have to tell him it's gone missing.The elders will hear of this.



AN OPEN LETTER TO MILEY CYRUS AND FRIENDS. (Brought to you from the Global Blogosphere)

If someone can send an open letter of admonition to Gwyneth Paltrow (and someone famously did not too long ago), then I can write one to Miley Cyrus, who is an even bigger stuck up cow than Paltrow is. I would urge others to follow suit. A wave of pointless open letters to celebrities could easily trend and might even become the natural successor to the wretched ice bucket challenge, which has long since passed its sell by date and is now making me want to kill myself. So without further ado, this is my contribution as a humble ex fan of Miley. I do hope the silly cow reads it now after all this effort and good faith on my part but we shall see.

Dear Ms Cyrus and Pals

On 2nd Mar 2012, you more or less tweeted this:-

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded... It really ... It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust and Jesus is shit“.

I am writing to take (admittedly belated exception) to a tweet you posted two and a half years ago now regarding the origins of the human race. I have quoted the most incriminating excerpt in the box above.I would have objected sooner but I was so upset after reading your tweet that I haven't left my bed room in the two and a half years since you posted, or at lest not until now. You should know that this state of affairs is entirely your fault as both my illness and its consequences were brought on entirely by the distress and shock suffered by me in the aftermath of your comments about the Christ Our Lord that fateful day . The exact date and time of it is etched in my memory and it's still all there in black and white and all over peoples MySpace pages too and Who Say Mag, so don't bother saying you don't remember the incident and don't say it isn't topical any more, either, because God is always topical , especially when people like you start slagging Him off.How could you trash the Lord when he is your savior and only wants what's best for you, even though it might not look like that sometimes. I don't care what you say. God is love and I am gutted that you don't acknowledge this.

It may have taken the best part of three years but I have  steeled myself and today I managed to get out of bed and leave the bedroom. I am sitting in front of my computer in the lounge as I write this. Its the first time I have been in this room for 27 months, (thanks to you), so its a big step and I must now build momentum and escape the hell you have caused to me for so long. This letter is the first step in what me and my psychiatrist hope will be a cathartic process on the long and rocky road back to good mental health. My psychiatrist says it will help me to get things off my chest if I write to you and that's what I am doing. So even though I could never forgive you, I still believe you owe me an explanation as you were my (now ex) favourite celebrity of five years standing and therefore we are practically married, albeit separated.

Firstly, you have implied (and it may be its a little more than mere implication) that as an individual, you would rather give thanks and praise for our existence to a pile of dead planets in galaxies far away than afford the Lord Thy God any credit in this regard You say that this is because you believe we are all made of star-dust and God is neither here nor there in terms of how the human race came into existence and then evolved You do know this is blasphemous and you will go to hell just for believing it, don't you? Not only that, either, because your entire family will be taken out as well as all your friends and everyone who has ever met you or passed you in the street or shared a lift with your atheist arse. You will all burn in hell, even the innocent, and this will be your fault personally, not God's. God is vengeful but he is just. I suggest you have your excuses ready for when your pals find out that you and you alone are the reason they are burning in hell for all eternity and all because you were too churlish to give God his due creduit.

You should also note that as a result of your remarks of March 2012 there is the the prospect of litigation. My lawyer tells me that because I admired you and your opinions were important to me, the scale of the personal let down I felt is legally actionable as I was entitled to receive far better treatment than I got from you in spite of the fact that we have never met and we don't exactly know each other. I fear that with those few ill-chosen tweets you have ruined my life forever and I will never truly be the same again. I think this is probably worth a lot of money compensation wise and the necessary legal papers are being drawn up as I write. You can tell your Hollywood friends not to comment on this or come to your aid or else they too will be named as co-respondents and sued silly for letting us all down and not going to church even though as celebrities, they owe it to us to do so.

In the meantime, I want to be clear about what we are actually saying here just in case I have somehow mistook your meaning in some way. Please clarify, therefore, whether it is your considered opinion that we used to live in a galaxy far away but then our original home planets all exploded and we therefore had to move to the galaxy down the celestial road, as it were, and that's how we all ended up here? And are you claiming that when our predecessors finally arrived on planet earth, it was initially in the form of debris and detritus from outer space(or star dust as you prefer to call it). Because if you think this is true, then what you are really saying is that we are all made of sad looking ash from burnt out planets light years away and long since fucked and we might as well all kill ourselves., We shouldn't be giving thanks and praise for this, should we? Or are you saying we should be grateful for something about this? Because that would be like accidentally colliding with a dog and then apologising to it. Dogs are thick and apologising to them is therefore pointless and wouldn't mean anything. Same thing here. Either you are confused, Miley, or you are possessed by demons and speaking in tongues. Either way, I don't like it. No good will ever come of worshiping space trash,

May I remind you that God kills people who question his planet making know-how and he'll take us all out as quick as look at us if this carries on. I for one have no intention of being eaten alive by locusts or having my eyes pecked out by crows just because people like you and George Clooney refuse to shut up. The thought of it is making me feel poorly again. You will ruin it for everyone. I sometimes think that you and every other celebrity on the planet won't be happy until we are all dead of leprosy and pestilence or condemned to live in whales or sacrifice our first born for no good reason..

You make me sick. Go to hell and get thee behind me Satan and Godspeed the fucking Rapture.

Kind Regards and thanks for listening.

Mr Born Again Starr

September 2014.