EXCERPT FROM THE DAILY LIAR
Representatives of the Pressure Group “People Against Animals” delivered a petition to Downing Street today demanding government action on animals making pointless, stupid noises. Group spokesman Johnny Parrot-Seed hit out at the animal kingdom after it was revealed that critters of all descriptions are becoming nosier and nosier. Said Mr Parrot-Seed
Every morning I am prematurely awakened with the sound of demented mass chirp fests by these idiots and it is high time more was done to silence the endless jabbering. The ringleader is a wood pigeon and it encourages the others to make utterly pointless noises by waking them up with it's own inimitable brand of incoherent squawking and once the others hear it and chime in, the cacophony orgy can easily go on for hours at a time”.
The group submitted the petition following a 100,000 strong march through the streets of London and the influential organisation, which is currently attracting two thousand new members a day, made no bones about the potential threat to humanity. Marchers were particularly scathing about the pointless noises made by their cats. Said one angry owner
“Something is definitely wrong with cats today. They will not stop making crazy mewling noises. Only a half-wit or a psychopath would deliberately sound like that. My own pet cat is trailer trash and warbles morning, noon and night. We don't know what to do"
Meanwhile another source speaking for the group handed David Cameron an ultimatum, threatening a campaign of mass civic disobedience unless urgent action is taken. Said he:
The animal kingdom is getting cockier and cockier. I hear them in my sleep. They are all tweet tweet, roar roar, squeak squeak. What is the meaning of this? They are becoming a threat to our sanity now. We have told them to shut up but they clearly oblivious to the world wide misery they are the cause of. Unless something is done, we are will blockade every petrol station in the country and we will not let up until parliament agrees to remove the wind pipes of every last one of them enough is enough”.
The government has so far refused to comment.