Thursday, 4 September 2014

My Friend Wants to Live in Whales? Is this even feasible?

Why Do People Live in Whales? Advice Needed!

I am a bit concerned because my friend says she's off to live in whales. She seems to think there are jobs to be had there. What jobs? Who ever heard of anyone setting up a business in whales? Why would they? There's no room, for one thing. I mean, how many call centres are small enough to fit in whales? None, I think. You couldn't so much as set up a market stall in there for yourself. I mean, WTF would you sell to people? What would they even need, living in whales? Plus ( and this is only my opinion and can't be proved), the Government doesn't care about creating jobs in whales so you won't find them setting up new Civil Service offices there any time soon. And they definitely won't be building hospitals and schools. Not in whales, for the love of God. Not even if Labour get back in, having first  made pre-election promises in which they pretend not to be Tories and pledge themseves to create jobs and not sweat shops, dole queues and out-sourcing. By the way, I have counselled my friend that if Labour tries to tells her it believes in spending on infrastructure , it will be lying, especially if it says it wants or intends to do something for whales.

My friend thinks I'm wrong about all this. Wow. Sorry, but what the actual fcuk?!  How gullible can a person be?!!!! It's not the good life. It's just a pipe dream. And what is all this shit about how you don't need a passport if you're travelling from England to live in whales? Yes you do, and my friend doesn't even have one at the moment. She's lost her's and is afraid to ask for another, lest questions were to be asked by the Home Office. I've already warned her that the last thing she wants is twats from the government on her doorstep. I've been down that road myself and it is not pleasant. But the fact remains that she is going to need a damn passport, innit,  because whales don't live in the English Channel do they, or the Irish Sea? They live abroad. I admit that one or two of the more stupid ones occasionally get lost and end up pointlessly swimming up and down the River Thames or moving to Kent but these events are so few and far between, they are actually newsworthy and even end up being the main headline on Sky News and CNN, just ahead of  breaking stories about Israel killing another 1,000 Palestinian kids and the like.

So what the hell is my friend thinking?! Is she an idiot? Has she had a psychotic break or a catastrophic cranial event of some description, or am I all wrong on that score?  I accept that the Bible said a man called Job once lived in whales and started a craze for it that persists to this day. But the Old Testament is full of shit like that and not many believe it , not even the ones that say they do. Plus, Job was cursed. Why would you want to emulate him? The whole thing is mad, bad and not very elevating at all. It's a cult thing if you ask me, akin to Jonestown, or some loony place, or Scientology. In point of fact, the entire thing is one big fcuk- off brain fart.

My friend thinks that you could fit satellite dishes in whales, or so she claims, but what would be the point in that, when there's no TV reception? Not in whales. Never has been. Never will be. I fear this is a sad fact of life and there is no getting around it.

And what will she eat, my friend, when she's living in whales? A diet of second hand mackerel, seaweed and nasty things that get illicitly chucked off passenger ferries isn't going to float her boat. Plus, she can't swim and her mobile phone won't work. There will be no transmitters close by and she can totally forget about getting a land-line and broadband because it just ain't gonna' happen.

This is all pure foolishness. Is it even safe to live in whales? They get lampooned all the time by Japanese trawlers and the like, or so I have heard. Something about the blubber being of value or whatever.

Also, there is no electricity in whales. You couldn't even boil a travel kettle. How would she do her ironing, even, and where would her nearest Starbucks be? She wouldn't last one week. New problems are occurring to me all the time about this plan of hers.  For example, where on earth is she going to park her car or even get any petrol for it? Are there even any roads in whales? Probably not. I fear my friend has just not thought this move through. 

It seems to me that people living in whales are ill-advised altogether and should make plans to move out. They will surely become all warped if they stay there, not to mention out of touch,  bored and socially isolated. The whole thing is an utter nonsense and my friend is asking for trouble.

So anyway, I promised that I'd go on the Tinternet for her and ask about people's experiences of living in whales, just in case I'm wrong about all this and the whole idea is more viable than it seems. I highly doubt this, of course. I bet everyone who has ever lived in whales thinks it's a bit of a shit thing to do, all in all. It goes without saying that I am happy to be dissuaded on this point but it will be difficult because I am just not hearing good things. End of story.

Thanks in advance for sharing.


September 2014 or thereabouts.