Scotland - This is what will happen to you if you vote yes.

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PEOPLE OF SCOTLAND: THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU VOTE YES THURSDAY

Your head will be replaced by a giant  pumpkin. Then you will cannibalize each other until all of you have died horribly.

You will develop a liking for nailing your own heads to barn doors and have to wait two days to be rescued.

You will go shop-lifting.to support a newly developed solvent sniffing habit. This will go on for years after any yes vote.

Half of you will  contract Rabies and the other half will get Bubonic Plague. Only a handful will survive without contracting one or other of these conditions. Even those that do will not escape syphilis and head rot.

All Scotland's dishwashers will break down. The damage will be irreparable.This will be followed by the confiscation of all your washing machines.

No bugger will repair your roads.

You will lose your jobs owing to capital flight. Scotland will have 71 % unemployment.

If you have a beloved family pet, it will die horribly.

The Queen will twat you all

 David (S)Cameron will slime you big time on at least two separate occasions,

We will steel your oil and bomb Edinburgh if you complain.

It will be brought home to people that your accents are stupid.

All tartan will be banned.

Possession of haggis will be criminalised.

Prescriptions will go from free to £65 each. The Benefit system will not assist anyone and people will die for the lack of simple medicines.

You will give each other Herpes. By 2024, there will be no child born in Scotland who is free of the condition.

You will find yourself increasingly drawn to Manchester United but then someone will tell you that Falcao is in reality 46 years of age and only has one ankle.

A new Scottish Tory Party will rise spectacularly and they will abolish democracy. Your Parliament will be permanently dissolved.

Inflation will soar exponentially and the Scottish currency will collapse forever, taking your life sayings with it.

Your houses will all fall down spontaneously and without obvious cause.

A tree will fall on your head. This will be a really big tree.

You will pecked on the head by storks repeatedly.

Public transport will be abolished owing to lack of funds.

There will be nothing left to ta and so revenue will quickly become an issue.

You will not be able to afford your current fee free collegiate system. Your universities will be decommissioned and the campuses set on fire along with all the books.

You will contract Herpes. You will give this to others.

Your supermarkets will play the same tinned track of aga-do-do-do in perpetuity.

There will be a big bastard of a tsunami. It will kill a load of you.

Mobile phones will be banned, as will the internet. This will prevent you from finding out that you have become the N. Korea of Northern Europe

Boris Johnson will call you every name under the sun and tell you to fuck off,.

God will tell you to stop mithering Him for food and will strike you down if you don't shup up.

There will be a potato famine and you will all starve to death.

By 2017, the Daily Star will be the only Scottish newspaper still in print by and its editorials will be permanently hostile and scathing.

Cars cannot be made to work in an independent Scotland.

All but one of your brain cells will disintegrate. The last cell holding out will ultimately die of  of loneliness.

Your hair will burst into flames for no plausible reason. Thus will set off all your smoke alarms. They will be impossible to silence, even when stamped on from a great height. None of you will ever sleep again.

You will take to attending Bryan Adams concerts and you will  believe this makes you a groovy person.

Your airports will be closed and your planes trashed.

Everyone in the world will bomb Glasgow from the air.

Someone will drop Agent Orange on your arses. They will not say why.

Cinema will be banned except for Welsh films.

There will be no more cricket.

Plagues of super giant locusts will take your crops and sweep up your first-born.

Your region of the map will break off and you will float towards less developed parts of the world.

A grizzly bear may eat you if you go camping.

You will run out of toilet paper and you will not know what to do about this.

Christmas will be cancelled forever.

You will holiday in Brixton each and every year.

Your benefits will be routinely sanctioned for no reason and food banks will be abolished. Anyone found distributing or accepting free food will be shot.

Your eyebrows will fall out, as with all your teeth.

The list is endless but I am bored of it now.

This is the road to hell, as Chris Rea would say. Donn't pay the ferryman and don't say you weren't warned.