Monday, 15 September 2014

Man United 4 Qpr 0

Manchester United 4 QPR 0 Rejoice. We have won a football match! We want - nay, we demand laps of honour and guards of honour. We'd better be getting both of these things before the Leicester game next week. Our lads have sweated buckets to get this historic win over QPR and QPR are not shite and were not twatted 4-0 by a very average Spurs team a mere two weeks ago. As a matter of fact, Queens Park Rangers are acknowledged to be the second best team in Europe, if not the world and they have an up and coming manager who has lots of groundbreaking ideas. And he will be even more awesome when he learns to speak English. So anyway, QPR just has an off day at White Fart Lane and its neither here nor there,as everyone knows. They are really, really difficult to beat and only United can do it properly. We fucking told you we would win the league and after yesterday's 4-0 schooling of the mighty QPR, we virtually have it in the bag. How can you beat QPR 4-0 at home and not be crowned champions?!!!. There is balance in the universe again, thank God. We don't even need defenders! That's how gloriously good we are. We will start a revolution football with not a centre half in sight. You might as well give us our trophy back now, City, you cave-dwelling, usurping, interloping coyotes. We are sending you some red and white ribbons to put round it. You are destroying football with your Harrods trolley dashing antics and you will rue the day. We,on the other hand, are thrifty and shop at Lido and sometimes the Pound Shop. Don't lie and say otherwise. There is no point. None of us can remember the last time United spent as much as £6 million on a player. Gary Birtles is still our all time record signing. All our lads have always been home grown in the finest Matt Busby tradition. Like Ferdinand was, and Rooney and Veron and Falcao and Dia Maria and Juan Mata and Luke Shaw, not to mention that deadly elbowed bog brush head Fellani. Lets face it, the list is endless. This is why we are so special and have a divine right never to be defeated. Because we are unique amongst the other big boys Chelsea will be shaking in their boots after yesterday's result as well. We are surely an unstoppable juggernaut now. We will crush you City. We will pulverize the Dipperpool bastards. We will make light of your Chavski arses, Abramovich. Go and burn some candles, you dicks-for-heads and pray your arses off. You are all knob-featured fornicators. Say novenas on your raspberry beads in your lunch hours and coffee breaks. Do it now and do it often. Pray and Novena yourself after supper and yet again whilst getting ready for bed. No prayers will help you, of course, but you might find some personal solace in mithering God. LVG teaches us that he will win the title over and over and over again for the the club's fans, starting this very 2014/15 season and then carrying on uninterrupted forever more or until the sun dies. We have been starved of success these last 16 months and he means to put that right. We are deserving of silverware to reward our loyalty and in recognition of the fact that we are in no way plastic and have never abandoned the season ticket waiting list or complained about the cup scheme or gone in search of glory, only to find there was none. We might as well have been in a relegation battle last season, such was our plight. Here is a random rendition of the cleverest song in football. U-N-I-T-E-D United are the Team for Me With a knick, knack, paddywack, give the dog a bone Why don't City fuck off home Not that we give two shits about City. They are an irrelevance and barely worth mentioning. albeit we may seem to sing about City more than we do United. I hate City. Their stadium is always half empty. They have no fans whatsoever, though they pretend that they do. They have never won a trophy and they are not reigning champions at all. Its all just lies bitter blue confidence trickery. Bring back the 44 years and counting banner and the "This is How it Feels to be City" ditty. That club has no history and will never amount to anything. Fergie said so. So did David Beckham. Also, the Etihad is a chip shop and the Sheikh has trashed the surrounding area around the stadium like the absolute vandal he is. Bradford used to be so beautiful. So did Clayton. Now they are ghettos and would pass for roads in the Gaza Strip. No wonder Twattini doesn't like us. And now I say again. We don't care if Spurs, who are shite, dismantled QPR only two weeks ago by the same margin and with a better performance. Doesn't matter, for we're Man United; we do what we want and silverware is our right. QPR are a superlative team and we are thereafter reinstated. We can't wait to lift all three domestic trophies this season once Milton Keynes are chucked out of the Carling Cup for fielding an ineligible player, thus accomplishing our reinstatement. Nobody in history has ever done the domestic treble but we will. We will score at least 217 goals and concede 10 because we don't need defenders. Invariably, we will always play nine really good forwards in our line-ups. This will bamboozle our opponents, who will never be able to get the ball and we will score as frequently as if there were jumpers for goal posts and concrete for a playing surface. We will beat City 9-0 at home and 7-0 away. We will be handing each of you a replica of the Premier League Trophy before kick off Versus Leicester next week. They will be a bit like the one in this picture
Wave them all about and sing "championes". No one will be any the wiser and the opposition will be intimidated and will likely take these blow up trophies for the real thing (they are quite authentic looking, as you can see). The fear factor will return and everyone will forget all about City. So sing your hearts out for the lads. We even have the best songs of any club. Here is just one one poetic example. “Build a bonfire; Build a Bonfire Put the Scousers on the Top Put City in the middle. And burn the fucking lot.” I wish City fans would come up with songs as good as that. Manchester United - One Love Mr Rag Glory-Seeks Signed -long suffering rag.