Thursday, 11 September 2014

Lying About Santa and Others

Our Parents Are Lying Bastards


Is Santa an Evil Influence
Our parents told us the most preposterous lies. Here are some complete whoppers.

1 In a place known as Lapland there lives a man who is permanently clad in an implausibly red jump suit with ill-advised mink trim. Something is not quite right about this man and his multiple wardrobe malfunctions , nor about the set up generally, He knows if you've been naughty or nice because little birds in his employ spy on everyone and  report back to Lapland on their findings. Then at the end of every December, this man departs Lapland in order to circumnavigate the globe in a four horse open sleigh powered by flying reindeers. Via this somewhat novel mode of transport, he proceeds to stump up  in every hamlet, village, town and city and accesses every household on the planet via their chimney stack, even if they don't have one. The purpose of these nocturnal goings on is to make sure that every child on earth receives ipads; gameboys; and hastily and randomly assembled items of useless crap that nobody really wants or needs. Said crap is made by elves and stuffed into dodgy looking stockings. All this is accomplished over the course of  only one night.

2 There is a man who permanently lives on the on the moon. This man is visible to the naked eye from Planet Earth.. Only stupid people are unable to see him.
Malevolent Fairies?

Every time you lose a baby tooth, a fairy breaks into your bedroom and violates your personal space in order to leave random amounts of  money under your pillow whilst you are sound asleep. Her agenda in doing so is unclear but it is important not to freak out about it.

Sinister Bunnies
Every year in March or April, a giant man sized rabbit with a fat arse and a train wreck of a bonnet appears from nowhere and distributes giant each and every child in each and every country. Nobody knows the rabbit's true motivations, but some people definitely don't like it. The eggs are invariably made out of cheap and sinister tasting chocolate of indeterminate origin and the tooth fairy is thought to frown upon this practice.

We believed every word of this. Is it any wonder we are all warped?