Thursday, 4 September 2014

Holy Mother of Rabbit Semen - United Want My Bath Mat

I am posting this because I am in a quandary about a football matter. The Tactical One of Trafford is insisting that he sign my bath mat in the January window. He has bid £25 million for it but I think I can get more. Do I miss the mark? After all is said and done, United have been in the market for a centre half for absolutely ages, haven't they?  I have told Mr Woodward that Arsenal are interested and Man City.This is a lie, though. I think they believe me. I also said I had already received a bid from PSG for £29 million because the bath mat would be a perfect partner for David Luis. Another lie.

It worked for Real Madrid, though, lying to United. They lied  about Blackpool FC bidding £55 million for that Dia Maria person. They told him tangerine was the player's fave colour and he was desperate to join and live by the sea and ride beach donkeys and go to the Winter Gardens. They said he had booked himself into a B&B on the promenade and had gone on strike to try and force the move. It wasn't true. None of it was. But United were all panic, panic, panic and stumped up £60 million. They thought they were hijacking the deal, by doing this. So did Dia Maria. Why do you think he looked so pissed off when he was driven into Carrington and during the epic debut draw with the mighty Burnley? How Madrid laughed, though. Money in the bank, it was.

There is another complication. My bath mat actually wants to go to Old Trafford. Yesterday, it told me the the news reports are making it feel unsettled and its head isn't in the right place. It's now saying its injured and will be out until at least Christmas. I know for a fact that Woodward has tapped it up but I cannot prove this. It thinks I don't know that its been offered £320,000 a week. It thinks I am unaware that it hankers to be a wage thief, like its mate Wooney and the bone idle oxygen squandering sick note that is RVP.

I am feeling very stressed and pressured by this now. What if they go elsewhere before the deal can be done? I don't think Woodward knows this yet or anything but there's some pretty handy looking bath mats being hawked around Gorton Market just now. I have seen them for myself. United are stupid and everything but what if someone tells them there is more than one bath mat option and they check it out? This is such a worry.

Also, my bath mat is two years old and just like Falcao, is lying about it's age. I know United are desperate and unlikely to notice this but I'm pretty sure that if they learn about the bath mats of Gorton market, they're sure to find one that looks newer and more expensive, in which case I might be kissing goodbye to £25 million and quite frankly, I need the money. Also, what if they find out that my bath mat is actually rubbish and over-hyped and not the must-have addition to the squad they thought it might be? I know its pretending to be injured and everything but  what if Woodward looks on You Tube? I am worried that the photo-shopped compilation I put up on there isn't all it might be and looks a bit fake.

Still, I spoke with Tactical Turtle again today and pretended to be Mat's agent. I managed to convince the lunatic that he won't be able to play his three at the back thing properly without our Mat and if United want the minimum 40 points they so covet this season, they need Mat and the price is £30 million and not a penny less. It's only £5 million more than the current bid and will definitely worth it, I told him. Also, the commercial people at United can be easily placated by mentioning the shirt sales, I said, and don't forget that "bath-mat" is a reasonably long name, compared to some, and think of all the stencils. Also, don't forget about the image rights. Not only that, in fact, because God alone knows how much more TV revenues might be raked in if United were to field a bath-mat in defence. The novelty alone will put glory-hunting bums on seats. The season ticket waiting list could be resurrected and this time, with conviction. No more paying school kids to go around Trafford posting lying United junk mail through random letter boxes trying to panic people into thinking such a list exists and they have to be on it, before the world's United supporting population of 2.3 billion people nipped ahead of everyone in the queue. No more having to resort to sending bulk email shots telling people if they didn't buy a season ticket and convince at least two  of their friends to join the Cup Scheme, they would be cursed and everyone's grannies would die.

I think I have probably convinced the Tactical One but they seem to be stalled on £25 mill still, which must be Woodward's fault. He keeps going on about how he could have triggered Bath-Mat's buy out clause in the summer and the deal would have been worth a lot less. Maybe even £24.99999999 million less and what with already being burnt and made to look a silly twat about the Evertonian bog brush they signed last year, he couldn't afford to piss off the Glasier interbreds further. They like their money, apparently, and last time there were scuffles and death threats.

I am considering telling the Tactical One that Bath-Mat isn't really a defender after all, but a Number 10, like everybody else at Old Trafford. This may need to be my new strategy. They would probably bite my hand off. Also, this would please the fans. They only have two points and yet they are strutting around in their Falcao shirts and he only has one knee. I think its just crazy enough to work. We shall see.

Please post more ideas of how to get this deal off the ground and thanks in advance.

September 2014