Saturday, 30 August 2014

United are shit


LVG Why you no win football match? You said Tia Maria was worth £600M. Did you mean the drinks company? I buy shirt. I took it off and stabbed holes in it. Why our new manger never get off his big, fat arse all day? His head weighs too much. Is that why? Why he make Wayne Rooney captain, bastard-face? Wayne can't even have proper hair. He has to take from back end of him glue it in. Why did Antelope Head pick him and why he tell United to sack Moyes? Moyes was better and looked like a goblin. Moyes was the Chosen One. Why did we call Luke Shaw a fat, lazy twat? Now he's pretending to be injured and eating crisps all day. Why we no stop the fat shitter eating Mars Bars? We will be relegated. What then?

Ed Woodward, why you pick half man half turtle for manager. Why? Were you in the Equalizer and the Wicker man? Why you no stick to acting, you groundhog day lover? Why u let Goblin sign a bog brush for millions last year. He was from Everton. Why? Why you let Maureen Moriniho rob United blind with a lazy Spanish bastard. Why does wildebeest head not get rid of Phil Jones, when he looks like Stan Laurel. He has six fingers and webs and came down from the Appalachians. When are you going to sign Oliver Hardy? I am embarrassed. 
Why all our players no good to look at. What about City? They are all male models. Even Vincent Kompany. We have nobody who looks like Sergio Aguero. Why? We used to have David Beckham and Lee Sharpe. I don't believe it. Antelope head is jealous of good looking people. He will only sign dogs. You have been warned.

Can Antelope-head count? We never have enough players on the pitch. Why you think he can count when his mother was a tortoise? United always playing with only eight men and a bean pole. It looks like it, anyway. If he is good manager, why can't he count to eleven? Why he play Johnny Evans? Why he always writing, writing, writing. We no win anyway, so he might as well be knitting and sewing. U are bastard, Woodward. What about the Glaisers? Where are they from? Which garden centre? The one from hell? F. U. How I go to work Monday morning now? I have rung in sick twice already. Antelope head will get me out of a job soon because of you. Why you no fire him? You are virus knickers.

I will sue, you stupid idiot. Who the fuck are Burnley? I no hear of them. What is Burnley? What pub do they turn out for? You fornicate with bison. I am no more surprised by this than giant Turtle Neck Features was surprised when we lost four in Milton Keynes. What about that fat twat, Anderson? He has a girl's name and plays like one. He is fatter than Luke Shaw. And why do we only buy injured players? Why? Why did Ashley Young eat bird poo, as well? He is a better shit-eater than he is a footballer.Is he LVG's son? He has tortoise blood too. Do they share a mother?

Why are we so boring? Fergie fell asleep. I wish I had as well. I should have watched Little House on the Prairie or Motorway Cops today instead of our game, like I originally planned to do. I wish I had now. At least they're not as shit as United are. And what has happened to bribing the refs like we always did? I hope your hair bursts into flames, Woodward. You are cheap and a bastard-head. You buy 1 legged footballers and pay too much. Why? Why are all our shirts shit, as well? I preferred the tee-towels to what we have this year. No wonder we no win. We are a crap team of fashion victims because of you. Danny Wellshit's hair is worse than Raheem Sterling's hair. Why does Antelope Head let him use curlers? We are a laughing stock because of him. We better sell him before Monday and sign Messi. Why we no sign Real Madrid's team like you said we would? F U. You are just lying essence of toad turd. I bet you like Barry Manilow.

Burnley 0 United 0. Die. Ed Woodward is aroused by the sight of dead sheep. I hope his house falls down on his head. What he do now, to God's own team, as if last year wasn't enough? We have two points. I will kill someone. We are Man United. When we win football match?! When?! I will not wash now in protest until we do. I want Ronaldo and Bale. I don't want fucking Tom Cleverley, you Woodward douch-bag. Idiots. Why we no hire Pep Gaurdiola? Why? I will not stand for it.Why we no bring Bryan Robson out of retirement like Paul Scholes? I don't know why not. We have 3 billion fans. We counted. So why we no sign Gazza? Not even our tea lady is any good. Even our pigeons are a load of shit. I don't care if I die in bed tonight.

Signed: United are total shit. August 2014.