Saturday, 30 August 2014

I can so drive!


So the other day, I parked my car somewhere that I have never parked before. I applied the brakes as per usual and stopped and got out once the vehicle was stationary. This is what they're always reminding you to do before exiting your vehicle and so I always do it. However, last Friday (and somewhat unfortunately, I concede) one particular parking episode involving myself did not pass by without incident or mishap and I feel I would benefit from some advice and solidarity in this matter.

The specifics are as follows:- I was out shopping earlier in the week and after parking up in the usual manner, I got out and walked away. Something made me turn round however, which is when I saw that the bastard car had gone rogue and taken off backwards of its own volition. Then, before I or anyone else knew it, the blasted thing was descending this hill at a fair clip with no bugger in the vehicle to stop it. People said it was hurtling and eventually reached a stage where it might fairly be described as having ploughed into onrushing traffic at the bottom of the road. It was a big hill and a steep incline, I grant you, though how I was supposed to notice this when I have more important things to think about is beyond me. But apparently I am expected to multi-task and I have been told I should have noticed that there was a hill there and taken the appropriate action and this was true whether or not my mind was otherwise occupied by what to have for tea and whether or not to go to the chippy for supper. I have been advised that it is especially important to concentrate when there is a dual carriageway at the bottom of the hill, over the injunction but I don't see what difference this is supposed to make, so they can all fuck off for having unreasonable expectations.

But I digress..

So, there were perhaps as many as three vehicles written off, and the place was a bit of a shambles all of a sudden, though my own car suffered barely a scratch. People had whiplash, or so they said, and there might have been a couple of pretend broken collarbones ensuing but these things happen and I am not sure why people are blaming me and calling it carnage, but they are. Talk about an over-reaction. These people all fornicate with antelope and have sexual fantasies about show ponies. This is because my role in the incident was minor at best. Nobody ever told me where the hand brake was, for one thing, or even that there was such a thing, let alone what it was supposed to be used for. I don't remember the vehicle I passed my test in having one so why does my car have one now? Granted it was ten years ago, but I think I would have remembered something like that!! Why is it necessary or even desirable to have an additional brake? What the fuck is wrong with keeping things simple and sticking to the foot brakes only? It is an utter nonsense. As far as I am concerned, an additional brake is just another flash and gratuitous gadget that you don't need and that puts you to unnecessary expense when it goes wrong. Better not to have one at all. I don't know why the foot brake didn't prevent the car from remaining in a stationary position on this occasion since I'm pretty sure it always had done before but it is what it is, I suppose.

The people reading this will feel my vibe. I am satisfied that I am familiar with the location of the foot brake and how to use it and if I didn't know how to stop a car, I would never have passed my driving test. But I did pass it and I therefore cannot rightly be accused of cluelessness at the wheel, even though some of the witnesses to this incident seemed to think that there was a degree of negligence on my part and have voiced their concerns to the police about this. Harsh. They are penis-heads. Why do they think they know more about someone's driving know-how than the instructor who assessed my driving for a full 45 minutes and passed me? He's the professional one. He should know. As for being a menace at the wheel, well I wasn't even at the wheel. Stupid bastards.

Also, nobody is considering the role of the car manufacturers in all this. If they insist on fitting unnecessary gimmicks in the vehicles they turn out, then they should at least mention this in the manual. I seem to have lost my copy of this but I am damned sure there was no mention of any hand brakes and their supposed function. It is surely these bastards who want suing rather than myself. To be honest, I am livid at this company. It is a good job I didn't have my best friend's new born baby in the back because if it had been and if it had died, Chevrolet would have a lot of explaining to do.

Also, how could I have even got out of the car, if I didn't first apply the brake? You aren't allowed to get out of a moving car. They are always reminding you not to do this. It can even be dangerous. Are they saying this slipped my mind?

Another thing these idiots forget is how come it can be rightly said that it was my fault when there was hardly a scratch on my own car and yet three others were trashed beyond recognition. You could not even tell they used to be cars!!!! Come to think of it, why were they going at 50mph, like the witnesses said, and on a dual carriageway of all places? Driving at such a pace placed all three vehicles within a hairs breath of exceeding the speed limit. Perhaps they were doing this in the hopes that it would cause an accident. Some people are aroused by car wrecks, aren't they? Especially their own. And others have been known to engineer a car crash as an insurance scam. I am just saying. What were they doing fifty for when there was a chance that a driverless vehicle would come sailing over the junction at 40mph right into their path. Out of all us, I was the only one not in a position to ensure my car was travelling at a sensible speed. All the other clowns had access to their brakes and did not use them properly!!!! What does that say about who was and was not liable.

Fucking Nora is the only thing more I have to say about this. Please take a moment to leave messages of support and encouragement and be sure you say you agree with me. This will help at the hearing.
Ta in advance!

This is Mrs “What Fresh Muppetry is This” signing out.