Friday, 3 October 2014

Scientists in Dinosaurs Were Just a Load of Big Fat Bastards Claim

These were all  Big Fat Bastards


Scientists at UCLA have finally solved the age old riddle of what became of our predecessors, the dinosaurs. In a ten year, $795 billion study, biologists, archaeologists and zoologists believe they have discovered the fate of the former lords of the planet. Now researchers claim to be on the brink of publishing a report incorporating their shocking new findings. Their hard work will, they claim, finally lay to rest the last great mystery of our times.


Professor Mortimer Spunk-Money attributed the success of the project to the fact that a ton of taxpayer's cash was splurged in order to determine that the creatures from whom mankind is said to have inherited the earth were, in fact, killed off by their own stupidity, obesity and mammoth flatulence. Said one of the world's leading egg-heads.

Scientists have been approaching this mystery from entirely the wrong angle and have over-complicated their thinking on the reasons behind the extinction of these animals. Their physical demise may be attributable to the ice age or to a big fuck off meteorite smashing into the planet, but we neither know nor care about that shit because the real reason they died out was more to do with laziness, stupidity and a general lack of thought and wherewithal”.


Researchers have pointed to the fact that despite being kings of all they surveyed for several millennia, it is being said that the dinosaurs must have been either too lazy or too stupid to invent anything and therefore had no means of protecting themselves against whatever mass extinction event actually befell them. Said one academic;

Have you seen the size of the big fat bastards? They were wayyyyy bigger than us but we can only assume that their brains were far smaller than ours. They left no history, no remnants of civilizations, not even one single clay pot. We don't even believe they had toilets”.

Other nerdy types have focussed in on the excessive weight of the flop species. One such brain box, who said he had been working with the UCLA project since its inception, made the claim that academics have never taken sufficient account of the unique bulk of the failed prehistoric giants. 

When you look at them, only those stupid birdy ones that looked like twats could carry their weight  without looking Cyril Smith like. The others were all big fat fornicators. Most of them probably started crushing each other to death during the mating process. We think that is certainly one factor in their demise. Others of us have a theory that they ate all the food up, they were so greedy and fat and therefore ran out of things to eat one day. If they were not capable of inventing the public lavatory, then they were hardly in a position to plant crops and bake their own bread.”


The findings are bound to be controversial, with other similar studies of academic silliness making rival claims that it was not famine, nor even over-eating per se that saw off the former beasts of the jungle as much as it was their singular inability to develop thumbs and cholesterol tests and perform heart transplants. Others attribute their disappearance to a simple unwillingness to exercise. Said one Oxford based professor

Big fat bastards don't just drop dead in this day and age because we all know to use stair-masters and go to gyms if we want to eat too much food and be greedy fucks. Clearly the dinosaurs never figured this out or they would be alive and well and roaming the earth to this day”.


However, a spokesperson for the partially government funded “
God Killed the Dinosaurs and to Say Otherwise is Blasphemy Group” slammed their fellow thinkers in Los Angeles and Oxford by claiming that God must have made the dinosaurs before killing them off again because the proved tedious and nothing ever happened in the world. Said Steven Chancer (Bogus PHD);

God has tricked all the unbelievers into thinking that dinosaurs evolved and died out from natural causes millions of years ago. He made it look that way but really, the Most High created the Dinosaurs about 70,000 years ago ... only they sat around on their big fat arses doing nothing and never had so much as even one solitary war to jazz things up a bit. That's how bloody stupid they were. So all the angels were bored to tears and persuaded God to kill the fat dickheads off and start again. It took Him about four days to create them and then two days to get rid of them. People who deny this are wasting everyone's time and should all be killed”.


Meanwhile, Cambridge based theorists have declared a plague on all their houses and are demanding that these rival theories be put to poll goers at next year's UK general election. There has so far been no comment from David Cameron on the bold suggestion but advisers say he is bound to feel attracted to the idea, if only for the novelty value and the confusion it would cause to opinion pollsters and voters alike. A statement from Downing Street is expected shortly.

By Mrs I Liesalot

October 2014