Shortish comedy articles of a random and insincere and immature nature.
Friday, 3 October 2014
Scientists in Dinosaurs Were Just a Load of Big Fat Bastards Claim
These were all Big Fat Bastards
DO WE NOW KNOW THE FATE OF THE DINOSAURS?
Scientists at UCLA have finally solved the age old riddle of what
became of our predecessors, the dinosaurs. In a ten year, $795
billion study, biologists, archaeologists and zoologists believe they have
discovered the fate of the former lords of the planet. Now researchers claim to be on the brink of publishing a report incorporating their shocking new findings. Their hard work will, they claim, finally lay to rest the last great mystery of our times.
DUB DINOSAURS BIG FAT LAZY BASTARDS.
Professor Mortimer Spunk-Money attributed the success of the project
to the fact that a ton of taxpayer's cash was splurged in order to
determine that the creatures from whom mankind is said to have
inherited the earth were, in fact, killed off by their own stupidity,
obesity and mammoth flatulence. Said one of the world's leading
have been approaching this mystery from entirely the wrong angle and
have over-complicated their thinking on the reasons behind the
extinction of these animals. Their physical demise may be
attributable to the ice age or to a big fuck off meteorite smashing
into the planet, but we neither know nor care about that shit because the real reason they
died out was more to do with laziness, stupidity and a general lack
of thought and wherewithal”.
DINOSAURS TOO STUPID TO SAVE THEMSELVES CLAIM
Researchers have pointed to the fact that despite being kings of
all they surveyed for several millennia, it is being said that the dinosaurs must have been either too lazy or
too stupid to invent anything and therefore had no means of
protecting themselves against whatever mass extinction event actually
befell them. Said one academic;
you seen the size of the big fat bastards? They were wayyyyy bigger
than us but we can only assume that their brains were far smaller
than ours. They left no history, no remnants of civilizations, not even one
single clay pot. We don't even believe they had toilets”.
Other nerdy types have focussed in on the excessive weight of the flop
species. One such brain box, who said he had been working with
the UCLA project since its inception, made the claim that academics
have never taken sufficient account of the unique bulk of the
failed prehistoric giants.
you look at them, only those stupid birdy ones that looked like twats could carry their weight without looking Cyril Smith like. The others were all big fat fornicators. Most of them probably started crushing
each other to death during the mating process. We think that is certainly
one factor in their demise. Others of us have a theory that they ate
all the food up, they were so greedy and fat and therefore ran out of
things to eat one day. If they were not capable of inventing the
public lavatory, then they were hardly in a position to plant crops
and bake their own bread.”
RIVALS CLAIM ALTERNATIVE THEORY
The findings are bound to be controversial, with other similar
studies of academic silliness making rival claims that it was not
famine, nor even over-eating per se that saw off the former
beasts of the jungle as much as it was their singular inability to
develop thumbs and cholesterol tests and perform heart transplants.
Others attribute their disappearance to a simple unwillingness to
exercise. Said one Oxford based professor
bastards don't just drop dead in this day and age because we all know to
use stair-masters and go to gyms if we want to eat too much food and
be greedy fucks. Clearly the dinosaurs never figured this out
or they would be alive and well and roaming the earth to this day”.
BUT LUNATIC RELIGIOUS GROUP CRIES FOUL (AGAIN).
However, a spokesperson for the partially government funded “God
Killed the Dinosaurs and to Say Otherwise is Blasphemy Group”
slammed their fellow thinkers in Los Angeles and Oxford by claiming
that God must have made the dinosaurs before killing them off again because the proved tedious and nothing ever happened in the world. Said Steven Chancer (Bogus PHD);
tricked all the unbelievers into thinking that dinosaurs evolved and
died out from natural causes millions of years ago. He made it look
that way but really, the Most High created the Dinosaurs about 70,000 years ago ... only they sat around on their big fat arses doing nothing and never
had so much as even one solitary war to jazz things up a bit. That's how bloody
stupid they were. So all the angels were bored to tears and persuaded God to kill the fat dickheads off
and start again. It took Him about four days to create them and then
two days to get rid of them. People who deny this are wasting
everyone's time and should all be killed”.
SOME DEMAND A REFERENDUM
Meanwhile, Cambridge based theorists have declared a plague on all their houses and are demanding that these rival
theories be put to poll goers at next year's UK general election. There
has so far been no comment from David Cameron on the bold suggestion
but advisers say he is bound to feel attracted to the idea, if only
for the novelty value and the confusion it would cause to opinion
pollsters and voters alike. A statement from Downing Street is