The King is Dead But Long Lived the King.
Richard the Turd
Thirteenth century monarch Richard the Turd has been found dead in a car park in Leicestershire. That was the sensational revelation handed to a stunned nation by a group of archaeologists yesterday after they happened upon the newly decomposing corpse during a dig for Roman artefacts. Said one history buff who help made the discovery:
We are gob-smacked and it has pecked our heads. In the immortal words of David Bowie, a once mighty King of England has now proved to be the “man who sold the world”. For years and years we were told that Richard the Turd died in the penultimate decade of the 1400's and his remains were cremated., so we weren't exactly digging up this car park to look for him. But it now turns out that the powers that be have been fucking lying to us again. So you can imagine our excitement when Richard turned up here over five hundred years later, when we weren't even looking for the twat.”
The controversial monarch and nephew murderer was originally thought to have slipped the surly bounds of earth nearly 600 years ago but as soon as his body was accidentally exhumed, a crack team of coroners have raced to establish a cause of death for the prankster monarch and earlier today, a spokesman for the East Midlands Pathology Unit issued preliminary findings that suggested the last of the Plantagenet dynasty was struck 11 times and was probably killed by two blows to the head during what is being described as a "sustained attack with one or more blunt instruments”
Since this announcement was made, several witnesses have come forward to say they saw Richard die as a result of a bar brawl that took place in a Leicester city centre night club in the early hours of last Saturday morning. It is thought the fracas erupted after fellow drinkers made fun of the former monarch's 13th Century attire and insistence that bar staff bow down before him and, on pain of death, refer to him only as "Majesty".
Allegations of Regicide
Said one witness to the monarch's recent demise;
It was mildly amusing at first but then things got very nasty and the bloke started to threaten to run people through with a very long sword he had about his person. It was scary. The people that beat him to death, including my good self, were left with no choice but to do so. Richard was very unkempt and it was clear that he was suffering from Herpes. We wanted him out of the picture before he made use of the facilities and gave us all a dose of the clap. Also, you could just tell by looking at the fucker that he was mental and neglecting to take his meds.
Another of the king killers had this to say:-
It was us or him and so we battered him to death and I, for one, am proud of my personal contribution to the process. Afterwards, it was suggested to us that this was a bit over the top and the next thing you know, we're being accused of treason and regicide, which is the only thing still punishable by death in the UK!!! Regicide my galactic posterior!! How the fuck were we supposed to know it was Richard III in the first place? And now we have all had to flee to the Isle of Wight, which has no extradition treaty with the UK (or so we've been told). The whole thing is a bastard shambles and very inconvenient. We probably won't be coming back but we have started a petition and talking to a ghost writer about putting together a best selling expose based on this experience.
Meanwhile as the monarch slayers bemoan their likely fate, authorities look set to launch a full investigation into why almost nobody on the planet appeared to be aware that royals can live for half a millennia eve though it was widely known that the entire family possessed God give super powers and semi divine status. The reality of this is now beginning to sink in, with multiple sightings of Vlad the Impaler in Cleethorpes and Atilla the Hun in Aberystwyth. Meanwhile, it is heavily rumoured that Queen Victoria is another monarch said to have faked her own demise and i. in reality holed up in a maisonette in Toxteth, still mourning her beloved Albert and getting fatter and more flatulent every year of her very long life.
Contemporary Plantagents Eye Rightful Succession
In separate developments, the beginnings of the most serious constitutional crisis ever to face Great Britain is emerging, based on the fact that Richard The Turd enjoyed 529 unchronicled years on Planet Earth and would have certainly sired hundreds of heirs in that time, all of whom would be likely to declare themselves closer in line to the throne than the present incumbent, Queen Elizabeth II. And Beijing born Chief Coroner Ho Chi Minion confirmed that this was likely to be the case. In an exclusive interview with this correspondent, a livid Prince Phillips said
“That slutty eyed fornicator, Ho Chi Minion is responsible for this constitutional train wreck and must die. Life will never be the same. Something untoward will happen to him soon, just as it did Diana. As for the aptly named Richard The Turd, what makes him think he can go around pretending to be dead for 529 years and then, after such epic piss taking and cluster fucking, still expect that is filthy, illegitimate, and undoubtedly retarded progeny be permitted to rewrite history; sweep away the Windsor Regime and install themselves back to the English throne. Over our dead bodies, is all I can say. The last thing we need is a resumption of the War of the Roses, but that's what will happen if certain people don't shut their cakeholes. The Plantagenets are interbred to the nth degree. This explains a lot, of course”.
Books of condolences have been posted at the front of Sainsburys and Asda superstores all around the country. Already hundreds of thousands of mourners have flocked to leave their messages of sorrow and emotional solidarity, whilst thousands more surrounded Buckingham Palace with tents and sleeping bags, demanding to hear from “our Queen” in the country's hour of need.
Plans for a state funeral are already under way and the nation waits with bated breath to hear the spectacular details. Where this leaves the House of Windsor, though, is really anybody's guess
Your Own Correspondent