Dear (so-called) Supreme Being
RE: LIVERPOOL FC ARE NOT THE
CHAMPIONS! WHY?????!!!!!!
I am writing to enquire as to why
Liverpool FC are not (as I write) the reigning champions of England,
when you made clear promises that we would be. I have been pondering
what happened last season for months now and I can only conclude that
this catastrophe is entirely your doing. So I am writing to you
because having at last managed to fully gather my thoughts about the
matter, I feel a full explanation from you as to your conduct is much
overdue. You clearly have no intention of saying anything about it
unless invited to do so. Consider this an invitation and please bare
the following in mind:-
You are only too aware of the trials
and tribulations visited upon our great but benighted nation,
Merseyside, and the shit we have been through ever since The Beatles
up and left Liverpool. But you kept telling us to seek and we would
find. Find what exactly? We were the chosen ones, you said, and we
are martyrs with a special sense of humour and a whole heap of
blameless victimhood. We were supposed to inherit the earth, you
jackass. But did this matter to you? I think not!!!!!!!! you just
couldn't wait to put the boot in again and a great big fuck-off jack
boot at that. I wish I was an atheist. Anything would have been
better than making us think you definitely existed and you were of a
mind to set things right at last.
Here are the six pieces of evidence to
suggest that you were behind everything and the only reason we did
not win the League was because you deliberately made it not happen.
Exhibit A
We booked a bus for the trophy parade
and everything. Did you stage an intervention and tell Steve Gerard
to make these arrangements? Did it come to him in a dream to do this?
I think so. Did he mistake your meaning? I very much doubt it. You
are God. I'm sure you know how to make yourself understood had you
any true intentions of doing so. Any misreading of the situation on
Stevie's part was as a result of a calculated ruse by you. It is not
good. We will excommunicate you. What are you going to do then, twatzoid!
Exhibit B
You sent us loads of other signs. The
stars were aligned, you indicated, and on the 30th
anniversary of Hillsborough, you set things up so that we beat those
semen of the devil bastards, Man City, and then all we had to do was
win our last three games. Then we found out that beating City was the
result of a direct intervention on your part because the Red Men were
shit second half and certainly didn't deserve to win that day, no
matter what Brenda said! You made City fuck up just to tease us. You
think we don't know this but we assuredly do and we denounce you for
it. First you send us Margaret Thatcher and now this.
Exhibit C
And for Exhibit C, you only have to look at this shit, FFS.
This link contains the evidence that
you encouraged us to sing “we're gonna win the League”
all day every day for two solid months!!! Why didn't you say
anything when we lined the streets from Lime Street Station to the
glorious fields of Anfield every matchday, waving our banners,
speaking in tongues, sinking to our knees and sobbing with joy. We
were supposed to be poetry in motion, you bastard. You told us to
sing it out loud and proud. You promised. You know you did. Amen we
said, you pious essence of steaming wank-bag. Amen your divine arse.
Never again will I say that word.
Exhibit D
Exhibit D concerns you sending a second
message to Stevie Gerard straight after the whistle went against City
or else why would he have cried n front of the cameras and why would
he have been ranting about not letting anything slip (with all those
microphones everywhere), given what transpired just seven days later?
Do not fucking think we don't have your number concerning this. It
stinks of you.
Exhibit E
Exhibit E is related to Exhibit D. When
we played Chelsea, you waited for the worst possible moment and then
you shoved Stevie in the back and rolled the ball into the path of
Denber Ba and we lost the game. I guess that's just the sort of
twisted bastard you are. Then you taught everyone to sing a song
about the entire thing and they are singing it still! And clearly
this is funny to you.
Exhibit F
I went to Lourdes after Chelsea beat
us, you know I did, and your mother distinctly sent a message to me
after that saying she was going to intervene on our behalf and West
Ham would beat City that last day of the season and we were going to
win the League after all. You ignored her, didn't you?!!!! Your own
fucking mother.
The Mancs laughed their heads off., by
the sodding way, both sets of the bastards. One of them sent a plane
with a banner and it flew over the Holy Land, big and bold as you
like. I will not repeat the message written on it because you
already know what it was, seeing as it was all your doing in the
first fucking place.
The whole things leaves a very bad
taste. What if we had all killed ourselves on that awful day of May
13th 2014? It could have happened. We were on suicide
watch, the job lot of us. That would have made you look a right
twat. First you withdraw our divine right to win for no good reason
and give it to those demonic bastards, Man United for twenty five
years, and now you pull this dog excrement. I just don't get it. And
as for us being 3-0 up Versus Crystal Palace with only a few minutes
to go, well I can only think this was either deliberate on your part
or you were having a cranial event when those Palace goals were
flying in. You made Louis Suarez cry and that's why he left us. You
could see him choking back the urge to bite people. He sank his teeth
into Stevie at one point and it was all your doing. We can only thank
Lucifer that the cameras didn't pick it up and Stevie isn't a snitch.
And now, you sick bastard, you have sent us Mario Ballotelli. Ha
fucking ha. What a card you are.
Also, thanks for destroying my
marriage. After the Palace thing, I had to go to the funny farm for
three months and frankly, that was all she wrote for my wife because
she ran off with a Tranmere Rovers fan. Fuck you. And I missed the
World Cup and everything. Why didn't you send us a plague of locusts
and a syphilis epidemic instead?!! It would have been no worse and at
least people wouldn't be laughing their arses off at us.
You think this is blasphemy on my part?
You're damn right it is. You better be dead is all I can say because
short of that, there is no explanation for this and no justification
and I wouldn't mind, but now we are shit again. I suppose you think
that's funny as well.
I bet you laughed your head off when
the entire city of Liverpool ran out of candles and Rosemary Beads
because we were holding vigils left right and centre and giving your
evil arse the thanks it was never going to deserve. It is beyond
warped. We are boycotting you. I hope you know this, and don't come
crying to me when someone trashes Liverpool Cathedral the next time
we don't win the league, which will be May 2015 and every May
thereafter for eternity. But we won't get fooled again, don't you
worry about.
Good day to you, sir, and good
riddance. You aren't even God in the first place. Kenny Dalgliesh is.
If there is a heaven, I don't want to go there.
Kind Regards
Mr Deluded Red Scouse.
