Dear (so-called) Supreme Being
RE: LIVERPOOL FC ARE NOT THE CHAMPIONS! WHY?????!!!!!!
I am writing to enquire as to why Liverpool FC are not (as I write) the reigning champions of England, when you made clear promises that we would be. I have been pondering what happened last season for months now and I can only conclude that this catastrophe is entirely your doing. So I am writing to you because having at last managed to fully gather my thoughts about the matter, I feel a full explanation from you as to your conduct is much overdue. You clearly have no intention of saying anything about it unless invited to do so. Consider this an invitation and please bare the following in mind:-
You are only too aware of the trials and tribulations visited upon our great but benighted nation, Merseyside, and the shit we have been through ever since The Beatles up and left Liverpool. But you kept telling us to seek and we would find. Find what exactly? We were the chosen ones, you said, and we are martyrs with a special sense of humour and a whole heap of blameless victimhood. We were supposed to inherit the earth, you jackass. But did this matter to you? I think not!!!!!!!! you just couldn't wait to put the boot in again and a great big fuck-off jack boot at that. I wish I was an atheist. Anything would have been better than making us think you definitely existed and you were of a mind to set things right at last.
Here are the six pieces of evidence to suggest that you were behind everything and the only reason we did not win the League was because you deliberately made it not happen.
We booked a bus for the trophy parade and everything. Did you stage an intervention and tell Steve Gerard to make these arrangements? Did it come to him in a dream to do this? I think so. Did he mistake your meaning? I very much doubt it. You are God. I'm sure you know how to make yourself understood had you any true intentions of doing so. Any misreading of the situation on Stevie's part was as a result of a calculated ruse by you. It is not good. We will excommunicate you. What are you going to do then, twatzoid!
You sent us loads of other signs. The stars were aligned, you indicated, and on the 30th anniversary of Hillsborough, you set things up so that we beat those semen of the devil bastards, Man City, and then all we had to do was win our last three games. Then we found out that beating City was the result of a direct intervention on your part because the Red Men were shit second half and certainly didn't deserve to win that day, no matter what Brenda said! You made City fuck up just to tease us. You think we don't know this but we assuredly do and we denounce you for it. First you send us Margaret Thatcher and now this.
And for Exhibit C, you only have to look at this shit, FFS.
This link contains the evidence that you encouraged us to sing “we're gonna win the League” all day every day for two solid months!!! Why didn't you say anything when we lined the streets from Lime Street Station to the glorious fields of Anfield every matchday, waving our banners, speaking in tongues, sinking to our knees and sobbing with joy. We were supposed to be poetry in motion, you bastard. You told us to sing it out loud and proud. You promised. You know you did. Amen we said, you pious essence of steaming wank-bag. Amen your divine arse. Never again will I say that word.
Exhibit D concerns you sending a second message to Stevie Gerard straight after the whistle went against City or else why would he have cried n front of the cameras and why would he have been ranting about not letting anything slip (with all those microphones everywhere), given what transpired just seven days later? Do not fucking think we don't have your number concerning this. It stinks of you.
Exhibit E is related to Exhibit D. When we played Chelsea, you waited for the worst possible moment and then you shoved Stevie in the back and rolled the ball into the path of Denber Ba and we lost the game. I guess that's just the sort of twisted bastard you are. Then you taught everyone to sing a song about the entire thing and they are singing it still! And clearly this is funny to you.
I went to Lourdes after Chelsea beat us, you know I did, and your mother distinctly sent a message to me after that saying she was going to intervene on our behalf and West Ham would beat City that last day of the season and we were going to win the League after all. You ignored her, didn't you?!!!! Your own fucking mother.
The Mancs laughed their heads off., by the sodding way, both sets of the bastards. One of them sent a plane with a banner and it flew over the Holy Land, big and bold as you like. I will not repeat the message written on it because you already know what it was, seeing as it was all your doing in the first fucking place.
The whole things leaves a very bad taste. What if we had all killed ourselves on that awful day of May 13th 2014? It could have happened. We were on suicide watch, the job lot of us. That would have made you look a right twat. First you withdraw our divine right to win for no good reason and give it to those demonic bastards, Man United for twenty five years, and now you pull this dog excrement. I just don't get it. And as for us being 3-0 up Versus Crystal Palace with only a few minutes to go, well I can only think this was either deliberate on your part or you were having a cranial event when those Palace goals were flying in. You made Louis Suarez cry and that's why he left us. You could see him choking back the urge to bite people. He sank his teeth into Stevie at one point and it was all your doing. We can only thank Lucifer that the cameras didn't pick it up and Stevie isn't a snitch. And now, you sick bastard, you have sent us Mario Ballotelli. Ha fucking ha. What a card you are.
Also, thanks for destroying my marriage. After the Palace thing, I had to go to the funny farm for three months and frankly, that was all she wrote for my wife because she ran off with a Tranmere Rovers fan. Fuck you. And I missed the World Cup and everything. Why didn't you send us a plague of locusts and a syphilis epidemic instead?!! It would have been no worse and at least people wouldn't be laughing their arses off at us.
You think this is blasphemy on my part? You're damn right it is. You better be dead is all I can say because short of that, there is no explanation for this and no justification and I wouldn't mind, but now we are shit again. I suppose you think that's funny as well.
I bet you laughed your head off when the entire city of Liverpool ran out of candles and Rosemary Beads because we were holding vigils left right and centre and giving your evil arse the thanks it was never going to deserve. It is beyond warped. We are boycotting you. I hope you know this, and don't come crying to me when someone trashes Liverpool Cathedral the next time we don't win the league, which will be May 2015 and every May thereafter for eternity. But we won't get fooled again, don't you worry about.
Good day to you, sir, and good riddance. You aren't even God in the first place. Kenny Dalgliesh is. If there is a heaven, I don't want to go there.
Mr Deluded Red Scouse.