Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Please Man United ...

Proof I am a United fan - This is from my bedroom.

Dear Ed Woodward


I understand you are the Chief Exec of Manchester United Football Club I have inserted a picture of my United quilt cover and pillow cases above. This proves that  I love the club and am not one of those plastic glory hunter types. My opinion will presumably be important to you, given that this is the case.


I have a history of being a United fan since February 2013, so I'm sure you will agree that I have stuck with the club through thick and thin and frankly, this has been against my better judgement of late. I was even going to prove my devotion to the the club by  joining the season ticket waiting list, after we last won the league. This was until I found out there was no such thing and United's season ticket waiting list thing was just another urban myth. I have United supporting credentials, just the same, and solid ones at that and I still hope to make it to a game one great day. In the meantime,  I'm always watching pod casts from the Man United TV Station and I have even watched that Ryan Giggs documentary that Sky keeps showing. In fact I've seen it three times already, such is my loyalty and commitment. Also, I once visited the outside of the stadium on a match day and purchased a fanzine for £1.50 and a meat and potato pie from the Lou Macari fish and chip shop. We were playing Liverpool that day as well and so I bought a half and half scarf (which is something only a true United fan would do) before returning home just before kick off. I was even going to watch the highlights of the game in question on Match of the Day. Admittedly, I ended up not tuning in because the Red Scouse beat us 3-0 that day and I had to go and lie down until the following Tuesday morning. This does not matter, though, because it's the thought that counts.


It isn't just my loyalty that the club should be grateful to for me for, either. For instance, I recently canvassed some of my neighbours and made the important discovery that two other United fans live on my street. Admittedly, neither of them could really recall ever having seen a game of football as such, even on the television, and my stupid hubby said these neighbours probably told me they were reds just to get rid of me. Huh! A big fuck off “Whatever”  is what I say to that. These neighbours have offered their assurances that they are United fanatics and therefore, this is just what they are!!!

You will no doubt recall that I sent you an email about this at the time and told you to make sure these two newly discovered fans were not inadvertently excluded from the annual global head count of our support that the club undertakes. (BTW, I note that since I sent this email, the club has not exactly been battering my inbox down to express its gratitude to me for locating another two supporters, which is disappointing).


Did you know that I even wrote to our shirt sponsors to assure them that they were giving their financial backing to the most popular football club ever in all of history and in the Milky Way and all the universes, parallel or otherwise, and they would make truck loads of money by being so closely associated with the mighty reds. I also reminded them that our 5 billion fans (plus two as individually head counted by the club and myself) would totally see to the success of their car flogging business by all buying bran new Chevrolets.


So as you can see, I have done my bit. However, I fear that my loyalty and input is being overlooked.  I appreciate that the club has shelled out more money in this transfer window than the annual GDP of Papua New Guinea but frankly I worry that the club is parading about the place in a fur coat but no knickers. I am not sure it is money well spent to sign fifteen strikers whilst simultaneously firing off seven perfectly serviceable centre-halves, leaving a defence comprising one calamity prone Northern Irish sick note (by which I mean the twat, Johnny Evans) and a serial penalty causer and red card magnet from Brazil (by which I mean De Silva or whatever the fuck his name is).


Anyway, I will now come to the point. Please confirm the precise date and time that Manchester United intends to win the English Premier League and the Champion's League. You owe it to me to say and I am not prepared for you to waste any more of my time.  We won nothing last season, except a nomination for best new comedy award, and yet I have stuck with the club nonetheless. I suppose if I am being perfectly honest, I did make a tentative approach to both Chelsea and Manchester City recently to ask them for dates and cast iron guarantees of their own title winning glory but they told me to get lost. These clubs are go-forth-and-multiply merchants anyway and can fuck off. United are the team for me, unless we don't improve in time and I am forced to   defect to someone better. And lets face it,  there are plenty of candidates from which to choose these days ...  but thats another story.

I hope this letter finds you in good health and you intend to follow my advice.

By the way, do you want me to find yet more United fans to add to the global stats? I would be happy to put a postcard in the window of the local newsagents and at the supermarket calling on all reds in the vicinity  to make themselves known to me. I will then pass this information directly to the club. I may charge a small commission for this.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please do not let me down. If you do not respond to me within 10 working days, I shall reunite with Danny Well-shite by becoming an Arsenal fan and this will be done in very short order and clearly nobody wants that.

Kind Regards

Mrs I. Liesalot

September 2014