Monday, 29 September 2014

Letter to Ed Deadwood - This is still not good enough and Wayne is a gash captain.

Dear Ed Deadwood

This is what happens when you make a stupid person captain of Manchester United.

But you said if  I wore this, I could foul people!!!!

Why have we agreed to make this person captain? Look at the Scouse clown. He is an idiot. He has been spending too much time with that Belgium bog brush head. This is why he was sent off. Bog brush told him to elbow someone in the face and he would get away with it. Even if he elbowed someone seven times in one game, it wouldn't matter. The ref would shrug and wave play on or give us a penalty, even, and so that's what the Belgium toilet groomer said for Wayne to do. But Captain Brain-Dead took this to mean something else entirely. He is thick. He thought being able to elbow people in the face and smash their teeth out meant you could just as legitimately kick people in the leg for no reason and just get away with it. Really hard as well and with no football in sight, no less So he got sent off and didn't even know why. Then he goes storming off the pitch demanding a penalty. We are mortified. But what the fuck is new???!!!!

Now what? We will have to play with ten men all through October with no captain and I cannot believe this. I emailed Tactical Turtle about it and he said not to worry. We can play a 1-1-7 formation, he said, and that isn't much different than 1-1-8, so what exactly did I think I was whinging about? We switched to 1-1-7 after the red card on Saturday out of sheer necessity, that son of a tortoise said, and we won. It was clearly the better of the two formations. Then he called me stupid, that mad Dutch twat. I am a Manchester United fan and he called me stupid. I want to know what will be done about this.

I have been walking down the street and around supermarkets, trying to count the Man United shirts. There aren't any again. Do you think hanging on to beat West Ham 2-1 at the Swamp makes people want to walk down the street or go buying bread and cheese wearing red tops? No. Maybe you are a full kit wanker but you're stupid and bald and therefore don't count. Bastard. 

I want the Glazer's phone number NOW. They clearly know nothing about games with round balls unless bats are involved, which last time I checked, did not include  football ... or soccer, as the evil escapees from gnomeland seem to believe it should be called. Fucking bastards. Perhaps we should start an e-petition demanding that the powers that be let Manchester United play with baseball bats. We might even make the top four if we are allowed to smack people over the head with wooden clubs for daring to score against our mightiness. That would fix the likes of fornicating Swans and crisp eaters from Leicester.

What happens when we play a good team, by the way? Why don't you ask the tactical wildebeest head that and earn your corn, for once? In fact, why don't you employ me? I am full of good idea because unlike you, I don't have turd of koala bear for brains. That turtle wouldn't call me stupid if this happened, would he. He'd be a joke, that one,  but he's not funny. Well he is funny, but only to people who dare to support a different club than ours. Do you even know what he's talking about? He speaks in tongues. I have no clue what he is actually saying about anything. I have never, never, NEVER heard such shit in my life as I am hearing whenever that man's lips are moving. Nobody does, least of all the players. 

Where have all the Norwich City scarves gone, as well? I sat in front of the computer on Saturday watching the game on my usual feed and I was doing my bit, wearing the old green and gold, but I couldn't see one other person wearing one. Not even you. And you call yourself our Chief Executive Is all the gold and green being confiscated at the turnstiles? Nothing would surprise.

I don't know what to do. We won on Saturday and I still had to ring in sick this morning. Even when we win, we are a laughing stock. What does that say about your tenure, you snivelling coyote? I a going to get the sack and I am heartsick. My house will be repossessed if something isn't done.

You'd better sort it or the men in black will be round your gaff with torches and pitchforks. It won't be pretty, Mr Deadwood, that much I can guarantee. 
I am going back to bed.

Kind Regards

Mrs I. Liesalot

September 2014