Shortish comedy articles of a random and insincere and immature nature.
Thursday, 25 September 2014
GLORY GODLY MAN UNITED!!!!!!!!!!! (PART 1)
Here is a letter I have just sent to the Pope. I am reproducing here because it concerns us all.
FAO Pope Whatitsface
C/O Vatican City Principality
Dear Your Holiness
RE: URGENT ADVICE FROM ABOVE RE MAN UNITED FC
You don't know me but the Lord Our God tells me that you are His representative on earth, (for now) and as such, you are supposed to be infallible. I can take it as read then, that you are a keen Manchester United fan, given that to support anyone other than the mighty reds would, by definition, make you wrong - ergo the notion of your infallibility would be compromised and could not be salvaged even if you later personally and single-handedly discovered a cure for Diabetes with a 100% success rate.
THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS. YOU MUST READ ON
I'm sure you get millions of letters asking you for stupid stuff that is beyond your remit, so I thought I had better send proof that I am the real deal and God has been in direct and unequivocal contact with me. So here goes:-
As we all know, God moves in mysterious ways and in that spirit, he has furnished this garment with special, (albeit entirely hidden, powers). I can prove this because the idea for the design was told to me by God in a phone call he made to my hotline satellite phone set up specially for this purpose. During our conversation, God said to be sure and let you know about it (the shirt that is) and its ultimate purpose, that purpose being to ensure that no bugger can claim to in any doubt that the Lord sees United's success as His own success and is adamant that former glories be restored in very short order. Also, (and this might be hard to hear, Mr Pontiff), but the Lord told me you have been remiss in that you have not seen fit to spread his MUFC forever word properly and he is heartsick about the whole thing, not to say gutted. In fact he went on to say that were it not for the fact that he is the Supreme Being and must constantly set a good example for all mankind, he would have liked nothing better than to refer to you as a low down dung-beetle fucker with the brains of a bastard hedgehog spike - that spike being singular in nature. These were his precise words, btw, and I am not merely paraphrasing , nor exaggerating in any sense of that meaning. In fact, I was left in no doubt but that you are in danger of burning in hell for all eternity unless you do something to help God's own club and do it sharpish.
God expects you to be wearing this T-shirt the next time you say Mass and has asked me to drop it off at the Vatican City in good time, which is what I am about to do. Christ our long thinks if you wear it during your next pontifications, this will scotch any ugly fallibility issues as per the point made in the message imprinted on the shirt and you will immediately win back some of the more disillusioned United loving types that have recently strayed from the fold and excommunicated themselves.
So now that you have the proof and it is staring you in the face, I have been told to enlist your direct assistance in restoring order in the universe and reinstating our great club's divine right to be the best team in England, Europe and the world. God has given me some suggestions to put to you to get the ball rolling but in using the "ball rolling phase , our Lord was at pains to communicate the fact that the said ball rolling does not mean 11 freshly promoted crisp manufacturers from Leicester rolling the ball into the United net five times or (just prior to that) an assortment of milkmen, postmen and male nurses from Milton Keynes rolling it into the same place on no less than 4 occasions and making it look easy into the bargain.
I have been told that Our Lord is already thinking of bringing the Rapture forward and the new and earlier date of this event depends entirely on what can be done for Manchester United. In fact, the Tribulations will definitely commence in earnest the minute it becomes mathematically impossible for the reds to make top four this season.
Believe me when I tell you that the human race can afford no more of these missteps. You must persuade the football clubs of Europe to go back to rolling over and dying at the very thought of having to play the great Manchester United. They must returned to the age old mindset that they will burn in hell fire if they do not resume their old practises of not trying a leg, thereby allowing our great team to beat them handsomely just by turning up. It seems to God that the only person to fully grasp this fact so far is Harry Redknapp, and he's so crap, it doesn't even count.
I am signing off briefly because I hear my direct line to God satellite phone ringing. He will no doubt be calling with a list of bullet points detailing more specific demands as to what Your Holiness needs to do next. I will contact you again shortly with the details. Please make sure your line is free or we will all cop for it.